Grace in Brokenness

This past week has been hard. Probably one of the hardest weeks thus far.

Sometimes the Lord gently whispers to our souls with conviction. And then sometimes He decides to turn our world upside down in order to get our attention.

Well this week He turned my world upside down.

Monday night I got in a wreck. Where is that grace in that? It's in the fact that both drivers walked away untouched and the other driver's car didn't have a scratch on it. And I am so grateful for that. But to say the Lord has used this wreck as a wake up call is an understatement.

On top of that, I lost my wallet on that same day. Let me just say that I don't lose things. Ever. Especially a wallet. I honestly think He might have just called my wallet up to heaven because it is literally no where to be found.

So here I am without a car and without any money. Talk about turning your world upside down.

My wreck has taught me that I am not perfect. I cannot do this on my own. I am not in control.

It's so easy to go through life not depending on God. We desire control so deeply that we don't even realize that we are continuously subconsciously rejecting God and grace when we do things (everything) on our own. I was on my way to Young Life club when the Lord completely broke me. I sat in a parking lot and cried for a good 30 minutes after I wrecked. Crying because it was my fault. Crying because I'm not perfect. Crying because there was nothing I could do to fix it. Crying because of the weight of pressure I put on myself to keep it together. Crying because it was not together. Not even close. Crying because of the guilt. Crying because my parents don't deserve this new burden. Crying because all of this hit me at the same time and it hurt. It hurt really bad. It still hurts.

I found that it's easy to temporarily forget about things. It's easy to box them up in the back of your mind while you are in class or with your friends or watching TV or skimming through Instagram. But eventually you will be alone and the things you kept stored in the back of you mind break free and run wild again. They all hit you at the same time and all of a sudden it hurts even worse than before. As if they have grown in power since being caged up. And all you want is for all of it to disappear. The fear, the disappointment, the failure. It all hurts. You keep telling yourself that it's okay. But you don't believe it. Not for a second. And you can't control it. And that might be the hardest part of it all: the fact that you have no control over any of this.

When the Lord breaks you you feel both helpless and needy, yet frustrated and angry.

Then you find yourself wanting someone to lean on- desperately seeking someone to love you and share the burden of brokenness. Someone to talk to but no one seems to get it no matter what you say or do. You run from Jesus because you tell yourself that leaning on Him would be too hard. You run from friends because you don't want to drag them down or burden them or maybe you even feel like they won't understand and you don't even see the point of trying to explain that you are feeling both shattered and hollow. So you tell yourself that it's easier to just keep it all inside of you and that you'll deal with it later.

But dealing with it later never happens and as you sit alone with God there is a disconnect, an elephant in the room weighing down on you, making it impossible to communicate with Him. You don't want to bring it up because you are avoiding all of the pain, but sitting in front of God in silence might be even harder. Because He isn't being silent. He is yelling at you, begging you to deal with this hurt and frustration. Imploring you to rely on Him. You want nothing to do with it, so you walk away and tell yourself that you will deal with it later. And the cycle continues.

How do we get out of that cycle? By dealing with it, by being vulnerable, by handing over our pride and taking on His yoke. Is it hard? Yeah. Hell yeah, it's hard. But is it worth it? A thousand times yes. Because this wreck has forced me to sit down and say that even when I feel like running 100 miles in the opposite direction of God, that is that time when I need to believe in His goodness the most. The times when I am shattered and hollow are the times when I have to go to the foot of the cross to be filled back up and put back together. The times when I want nothing but to feel nothing are the times when I have to indulge in my pain and my brokenness more than ever before. The times when I have lost my voice are the times that I have to sing His praise the loudest. He is always good. 

Being left with no car and no money has taught me dependence- a hard lesson to be taught when all you want is to be in control.

Let me just tell you how the Lord provided for me over and over this past week... First of all, I am convinced that I have the greatest roommates ever. They woke up early and took me to campus everyday. At first I really struggled with this and I felt really bad and like I was being a burden to them. But then I realized that if one of them were in the same situation, I wouldn't think twice about taking them anywhere or waking up early. They are my sisters, we are family, that's what you do for the people you love. Second, He used my whole community to love me this week. People offered me rides left and right. They constantly asked if I needed anything at all and to call them when and if I did. Then, the first two days I went to campus I didn't have any kind of money (no wallet) so I couldn't even eat anything. The Lord provided me with free lunch from organizations handing out pizza. Not a coincidence. Last, I ended up having to stay on campus all day everyday because I had no way to go home in between classes (no car) and even when I was done I had to wait for a roommate to be done or a friend to give me a ride. During all of those extra hours of hanging out the Lord blessed me with 70 degree weather and surrounded me with friends throughout everyday. They brought so much joy to my life this week. I look at these friends and I see the body of Christ. How undeserving I am of their selfless love.

So, while this week was hard, He uses everything to work together for our good. While the days were long and at the end of them, when I was finally alone, I was filled with more anxiety and more brokenness than before, I also had joy and hope and love to hold onto. When I looked at Jesus and told Him that leaning on Him would be too hard, He graciously offered my His body, my brothers and sisters, and loved me through them.

I guess that what I am learning is that I am broken- so, so broken. I am scared of being vulnerable with both Jesus and friends. I am not perfect. I desperately need Jesus. I cannot do this on my own. Grace is so big that I can feel all of these horrible, dark, hard things and still step back and say that I am more blessed than I was before. I am thankful for a God who knows me better than I know me and who knows what I need before I even know what I might want.