As I gear up to leave for the summer, I cannot help to stop and check my spiritual pulse.
This past semester has been a hard one. It has seemed like a never ending desert and my soul has come to a point of complete and utter yearning for relief. Granted, I have lead myself to this desert- we choose our paths- but I am more than ready to take this path home.
This summer I am going to work in Northern California, on holy ground, at JH Ranch. I have been to JH before for a week as a camper, but never did I dream that I would have the chance to spend 3 months at this pure place.
To say the fear of the unknown is getting to me would be an understatement. The past few months of knowing this would be my summer home have held nothing but excitement and anticipation. Now the time has come to leave in a matter of 3 days and those feelings are now full of anxiety and fear. Mostly fear of the unknown. I don't even know what my job will be. The packing list alone is causing me to question the whole thing.
Not knowing what to expect, in a world where we do everything in our small power to be over prepared, is causing more than a little bit of healthy nervousness. Tonight I realized that I am terrified. I have no idea what I am getting myself into. I was thinking about what my summer would look like if I didn't go, and for a split second, the inevitable boredom of my hometown sounded welcoming- the key word being "inevitable", meaning certain- compared to a very uncertain summer 3,000 miles across the country.
Don't get me wrong- I am going and I cannot wait to see what the Lord has for me this summer. It is something that I have hoped for and prayed for since the day I left the Ranch nearly 3 years ago. But now the reality of it all is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I am surprised at how I am feeling. This was never expected, never part of the plan. Pure bliss is all I have ever imagined this day to look like. But now.
But now it's all different. Now it is happening, the details are in place and my fate is sealed. As I await this day my heart is burdened by the lies I have been feeding myself. They are suddenly coming to life and closing in on their prey.
What if I'm not prepared?
What if I forget something?
What if I fly into the wrong airport?
Who am I going to talk to on the 6 hour bus ride to camp?
What if I don't have any friends?
What if I miss home?
What if I hate my job?
What if I hate my coworkers?
What if I gain 20 pounds?
What if I don't have enough clothes?
Who am I going to be living with?
What will my days look like?
What am I going to wear everyday?
What if I hate the food?
Do they have PB&J?
Should I bring my own PB&J?
Enough to last me 3 months?
I could go on for days. All of them would come back to the root cause of fear of the unknown, not knowing what to expect, not knowing what is planned, wanting to be in control. Yet being in control has lead me into this desolate desert that I hate more than I could hate any camp food or co-worker. (I was trying to make a point, I am 100% positive I will not hate any of my coworkers).
The fact is, all of these are petty concerns and worries that the Lord has had taken care of since the beginning of time. And I know that. My mind knows that. But my heart and soul are on a completely different page. As usual.
I am completely aware of how irrational all of these questions are, yet they are there. They are all in my mind getting bigger by the day. I can feel my soul start to tremble as the time to leave gets closer and closer. This trembling in unexpected. It's my need for control and knowledge that is causing this shudder. My white-knuckled, tight grip on this seemingly safe and perfectly predictable world is destroying me. It is exhausting to hold onto the lies when my heart longs for and was designed to breath the Truth.
So here is to hoping that these next 3 months will be my path home, rather than a voyage deeper into my self-inflicted desert.
