This past week has been hard. Probably one of the hardest weeks thus far.
Sometimes the Lord gently whispers to our souls with conviction. And then sometimes He decides to turn our world upside down in order to get our attention.
Well this week He turned my world upside down.
Monday night I got in a wreck. Where is that grace in that? It's in the fact that both drivers walked away untouched and the other driver's car didn't have a scratch on it. And I am so grateful for that. But to say the Lord has used this wreck as a wake up call is an understatement.
On top of that, I lost my wallet on that same day. Let me just say that I don't lose things. Ever. Especially a wallet. I honestly think He might have just called my wallet up to heaven because it is literally no where to be found.
So here I am without a car and without any money. Talk about turning your world upside down.
My wreck has taught me that I am not perfect. I cannot do this on my own. I am not in control.
It's so easy to go through life not depending on God. We desire control so deeply that we don't even realize that we are continuously subconsciously rejecting God and grace when we do things (everything) on our own. I was on my way to Young Life club when the Lord completely broke me. I sat in a parking lot and cried for a good 30 minutes after I wrecked. Crying because it was my fault. Crying because I'm not perfect. Crying because there was nothing I could do to fix it. Crying because of the weight of pressure I put on myself to keep it together. Crying because it was not together. Not even close. Crying because of the guilt. Crying because my parents don't deserve this new burden. Crying because all of this hit me at the same time and it hurt. It hurt really bad. It still hurts.
I found that it's easy to temporarily forget about things. It's easy to box them up in the back of your mind while you are in class or with your friends or watching TV or skimming through Instagram. But eventually you will be alone and the things you kept stored in the back of you mind break free and run wild again. They all hit you at the same time and all of a sudden it hurts even worse than before. As if they have grown in power since being caged up. And all you want is for all of it to disappear. The fear, the disappointment, the failure. It all hurts. You keep telling yourself that it's okay. But you don't believe it. Not for a second. And you can't control it. And that might be the hardest part of it all: the fact that you have no control over any of this.
When the Lord breaks you you feel both helpless and needy, yet frustrated and angry.
Then you find yourself wanting someone to lean on- desperately seeking someone to love you and share the burden of brokenness. Someone to talk to but no one seems to get it no matter what you say or do. You run from Jesus because you tell yourself that leaning on Him would be too hard. You run from friends because you don't want to drag them down or burden them or maybe you even feel like they won't understand and you don't even see the point of trying to explain that you are feeling both shattered and hollow. So you tell yourself that it's easier to just keep it all inside of you and that you'll deal with it later.
But dealing with it later never happens and as you sit alone with God there is a disconnect, an elephant in the room weighing down on you, making it impossible to communicate with Him. You don't want to bring it up because you are avoiding all of the pain, but sitting in front of God in silence might be even harder. Because He isn't being silent. He is yelling at you, begging you to deal with this hurt and frustration. Imploring you to rely on Him. You want nothing to do with it, so you walk away and tell yourself that you will deal with it later. And the cycle continues.
How do we get out of that cycle? By dealing with it, by being vulnerable, by handing over our pride and taking on His yoke. Is it hard? Yeah. Hell yeah, it's hard. But is it worth it? A thousand times yes. Because this wreck has forced me to sit down and say that even when I feel like running 100 miles in the opposite direction of God, that is that time when I need to believe in His goodness the most. The times when I am shattered and hollow are the times when I have to go to the foot of the cross to be filled back up and put back together. The times when I want nothing but to feel nothing are the times when I have to indulge in my pain and my brokenness more than ever before. The times when I have lost my voice are the times that I have to sing His praise the loudest. He is always good.
Being left with no car and no money has taught me dependence- a hard lesson to be taught when all you want is to be in control.
Let me just tell you how the Lord provided for me over and over this past week... First of all, I am convinced that I have the greatest roommates ever. They woke up early and took me to campus everyday. At first I really struggled with this and I felt really bad and like I was being a burden to them. But then I realized that if one of them were in the same situation, I wouldn't think twice about taking them anywhere or waking up early. They are my sisters, we are family, that's what you do for the people you love. Second, He used my whole community to love me this week. People offered me rides left and right. They constantly asked if I needed anything at all and to call them when and if I did. Then, the first two days I went to campus I didn't have any kind of money (no wallet) so I couldn't even eat anything. The Lord provided me with free lunch from organizations handing out pizza. Not a coincidence. Last, I ended up having to stay on campus all day everyday because I had no way to go home in between classes (no car) and even when I was done I had to wait for a roommate to be done or a friend to give me a ride. During all of those extra hours of hanging out the Lord blessed me with 70 degree weather and surrounded me with friends throughout everyday. They brought so much joy to my life this week. I look at these friends and I see the body of Christ. How undeserving I am of their selfless love.
So, while this week was hard, He uses everything to work together for our good. While the days were long and at the end of them, when I was finally alone, I was filled with more anxiety and more brokenness than before, I also had joy and hope and love to hold onto. When I looked at Jesus and told Him that leaning on Him would be too hard, He graciously offered my His body, my brothers and sisters, and loved me through them.
I guess that what I am learning is that I am broken- so, so broken. I am scared of being vulnerable with both Jesus and friends. I am not perfect. I desperately need Jesus. I cannot do this on my own. Grace is so big that I can feel all of these horrible, dark, hard things and still step back and say that I am more blessed than I was before. I am thankful for a God who knows me better than I know me and who knows what I need before I even know what I might want.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Thoughts on Beauty and College: Because You Matter
Last night as I was pulling onto campus around 10:45 pm and I saw a group of girls walking out of their dorm down the side walk. I could go into specifics about how they were dressed, or I could just say that it was pretty obvious that they were going to a party. As I rode by in the car and watched them walking all I could think was, "you're better than that". Then I started thinking about the thousands of other girls who had spent hours getting ready for a Friday night and were now walking down the street to their debut.
Then this morning I woke up and was scrolling through my Facebook timeline when I saw an article posted and decided to click on it because it was 8 in the morning on a Saturday and I had nothing better to do. I also just really love reading articles. Anyways, this article was essentially saying: do everything you want. Make mistakes, get hurt, fail, make a fool of yourself, do really, really, stupid and hurtful things on purpose- and don't judge other girls for doing the same. It said to do this while you were in college and it said that, without a doubt, those 4 college years would be the best 4 years of your life. As I was reading, my heart was breaking again.
Now I know that I don't drink, I don't go to parties, I don't spend hours perfecting my hair and makeup, I don't wear skin-tight skirts and shirts that show off my boobs, and I probably, God willing, will never do any of those things. But I can still relate to these girls more than you know. Because I, like them, find my worth in things that I shouldn't. Every girl does.
I might not drink but I want attention. I don't go to parties but I still put pressure on myself to be the funniest, coolest, realest girl among my friends. I might not spend hours perfecting my hair and makeup, but I compare myself to other girls and how pretty I think they are and I wake up every morning to put on my makeup because I could never imagine going to class without mascara. I don't wear skin-tight skirts or shirts that show off my boobs, but if you think that I don't put thought into what I wear, you're wrong.
The point is, I'm not judging these girls. My heart breaks for them because I see myself in them. I see my sin in them. I am these girls. I see them wanting attention, wanting to look the hottest, wanting to be the most desired, wanting to have the craziest night. I want those things too. It might look different, but it's the same. Trust me, it's the exact same. Putting your worth where it doesn't belong is dangerous no matter where you put it.
Girls, I am writing this to myself as much as I am anyone else, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. The Lord has been teaching me about beauty more and more lately and He has been screaming to me that beauty comes from the heart. It always has and it always will. It's so cliche, and I hate that the world has turned it into a mundane, worthless saying, but it is Truth. Vulnerability is beautiful. A gentle spirit is beautiful. Silent confidence is beautiful. Do not buy into this world, don't feed off of the lie that beauty is what you see when you look in the mirror. Don't listen when it says you need to lose 10 pounds before spring break. Run away when the world tells you that your eyes aren't striking enough, or that if your nose was just a little smaller your face would be perfect. Beauty isn't in your hair, your makeup, your clothes, your shoes, or your boy friend. Beauty is in your heart, it's in how real and vulnerable you're willing to be.
The Lord says there ins't a flaw within you, you were fearfully and wonderfully made, you are the Lord's craftsmanship. Your bodies are perfect. Your face is perfect. Work on your heart. Pay attention to it, strengthen it, pray for it. That is where your beauty lies.
Now for the article.
I respect this author's opinion. But I also respectfully disagree. I disagree with mostly all of it. Besides the part about not judging other girls. That was a good message, I support that. But the rest of it can go.
Sorry, but you shouldn't try to intentionally be your worst self just because it's college and you can. You will get hurt, it's inevitable. I get hurt all the time and I try to be the best version of myself. But if you don't take caution when it come to your actions, your scars and your pain will be so unnecessarily deep. Don't be reckless with your heart. Protect it. It so, so precious and sensitive. Take care of it. Don't abuse it. Don't make it numb. Your actions reflect and impact your heart. So act wisely and act accordingly. That's all I will say about that.
Now. Sorry, but college will not be the best 4 years of your life. Don't get me wrong. I am so, so happy. I LOVE being in college. I love it because you have all the freedom of being an adult with about one fourth of the responsibility. It's great. But this is not as good as it gets. It cannot be. Sure, we are young, pretty, carefree, and our bodies will probably never look this good again. But if those are the standards by which you measure you happiness or quality of life, then yeah, you're right, these are the best 4 years. Because from that perspective, it's all down hill after you walk across that stage. But I hope that life is more than that. My hope is that life gets better with age, that it gets better as I walk closer and closer to God and as I get further into this adventure He has planned for me. Is he blessing me right now while I'm in college? Yes. A thousand times yes. Will He continue to bless me after I graduate? I couldn't be more sure of something. Don't put these 4 years on an impossible pedestal for them to live up to. They're fun and great, but they aren't the end, and by no means are they the best 4 years of your life.
Lastly:
Girls, you are better than what you are settling for. You deserve more than parties and boys who don't really care and pressure to look a certain way. You are more than the clothes you wear, you are prettier than the makeup you put on your face. You matter. Your life matters, your actions matter, your heart matters.
Then this morning I woke up and was scrolling through my Facebook timeline when I saw an article posted and decided to click on it because it was 8 in the morning on a Saturday and I had nothing better to do. I also just really love reading articles. Anyways, this article was essentially saying: do everything you want. Make mistakes, get hurt, fail, make a fool of yourself, do really, really, stupid and hurtful things on purpose- and don't judge other girls for doing the same. It said to do this while you were in college and it said that, without a doubt, those 4 college years would be the best 4 years of your life. As I was reading, my heart was breaking again.
Now I know that I don't drink, I don't go to parties, I don't spend hours perfecting my hair and makeup, I don't wear skin-tight skirts and shirts that show off my boobs, and I probably, God willing, will never do any of those things. But I can still relate to these girls more than you know. Because I, like them, find my worth in things that I shouldn't. Every girl does.
I might not drink but I want attention. I don't go to parties but I still put pressure on myself to be the funniest, coolest, realest girl among my friends. I might not spend hours perfecting my hair and makeup, but I compare myself to other girls and how pretty I think they are and I wake up every morning to put on my makeup because I could never imagine going to class without mascara. I don't wear skin-tight skirts or shirts that show off my boobs, but if you think that I don't put thought into what I wear, you're wrong.
The point is, I'm not judging these girls. My heart breaks for them because I see myself in them. I see my sin in them. I am these girls. I see them wanting attention, wanting to look the hottest, wanting to be the most desired, wanting to have the craziest night. I want those things too. It might look different, but it's the same. Trust me, it's the exact same. Putting your worth where it doesn't belong is dangerous no matter where you put it.
Girls, I am writing this to myself as much as I am anyone else, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. The Lord has been teaching me about beauty more and more lately and He has been screaming to me that beauty comes from the heart. It always has and it always will. It's so cliche, and I hate that the world has turned it into a mundane, worthless saying, but it is Truth. Vulnerability is beautiful. A gentle spirit is beautiful. Silent confidence is beautiful. Do not buy into this world, don't feed off of the lie that beauty is what you see when you look in the mirror. Don't listen when it says you need to lose 10 pounds before spring break. Run away when the world tells you that your eyes aren't striking enough, or that if your nose was just a little smaller your face would be perfect. Beauty isn't in your hair, your makeup, your clothes, your shoes, or your boy friend. Beauty is in your heart, it's in how real and vulnerable you're willing to be.
The Lord says there ins't a flaw within you, you were fearfully and wonderfully made, you are the Lord's craftsmanship. Your bodies are perfect. Your face is perfect. Work on your heart. Pay attention to it, strengthen it, pray for it. That is where your beauty lies.
Now for the article.
I respect this author's opinion. But I also respectfully disagree. I disagree with mostly all of it. Besides the part about not judging other girls. That was a good message, I support that. But the rest of it can go.
Sorry, but you shouldn't try to intentionally be your worst self just because it's college and you can. You will get hurt, it's inevitable. I get hurt all the time and I try to be the best version of myself. But if you don't take caution when it come to your actions, your scars and your pain will be so unnecessarily deep. Don't be reckless with your heart. Protect it. It so, so precious and sensitive. Take care of it. Don't abuse it. Don't make it numb. Your actions reflect and impact your heart. So act wisely and act accordingly. That's all I will say about that.
Now. Sorry, but college will not be the best 4 years of your life. Don't get me wrong. I am so, so happy. I LOVE being in college. I love it because you have all the freedom of being an adult with about one fourth of the responsibility. It's great. But this is not as good as it gets. It cannot be. Sure, we are young, pretty, carefree, and our bodies will probably never look this good again. But if those are the standards by which you measure you happiness or quality of life, then yeah, you're right, these are the best 4 years. Because from that perspective, it's all down hill after you walk across that stage. But I hope that life is more than that. My hope is that life gets better with age, that it gets better as I walk closer and closer to God and as I get further into this adventure He has planned for me. Is he blessing me right now while I'm in college? Yes. A thousand times yes. Will He continue to bless me after I graduate? I couldn't be more sure of something. Don't put these 4 years on an impossible pedestal for them to live up to. They're fun and great, but they aren't the end, and by no means are they the best 4 years of your life.
Lastly:
Girls, you are better than what you are settling for. You deserve more than parties and boys who don't really care and pressure to look a certain way. You are more than the clothes you wear, you are prettier than the makeup you put on your face. You matter. Your life matters, your actions matter, your heart matters.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Relentless Love
Over this past month the Lord has been showing me so many things, as always. Mainly He has been showing me more about His love in the aspects of its endless patience and eternal grace. This year I am focusing on tasting and seeing that the Lord is good. Challenging God, in a way, prompting Him to show me all of the goodness that He promises.
What a year it has been already and we are only a month in.
I have tried to run over and over again. Run from His patience, love, grace, and goodness. Running because I am sinful, scared, and self destructive. Running because I am human, unaware of the fact that these works of mine have no repercussions on the unconditional love that has freely been offered to me.
This patience. This grace. This love. This WILD story of redemption and new life has me in awe.
Every time I self destruct and run away, I am softly beckoned home. He whispers sweetly to my soul, wait, my restless daughter, there is more. I have more for you. You wanted to see my goodness, well come and see. You wanted to taste what I have to offer, well savor what I have given you and wait in expectation for what is in store. I have plans for you. Plans full of hope, and a future. My lively daughter, I want to give you everything.
This relentless beckon home is my favorite adventure. I have fallen for this life full of unexpected, winding bends in a road that is leading me back to the lover of my soul. It has captured my heart and soul and my very being. I am head over heals, smitten, absolutely consumed with this love.
I sit to think about all that He is, all that He has given me, all that ways He has shown me grace and favor. Those thoughts, they will never cease. They will never run out. I will never come to a point where I get up and say, "I have exhausted this idea of God, let us move on". It will never happen. My words, ideas, and perceptions of this love will never be good enough, never be full enough, never be big enough to fill up who He is. He is more.
And here I am trying to describe Him. Yet these words are swallowed up in all that He is.
So I sit and savor. Savor what He is given me, which, let me tell you, is more than I could have asked for. Cheesy, I know, but true. Too good to be true- that's grace.
And I wait expectantly for what He has in store. This is just the beginning- the tip of the ice berg to a life that is full of hope. I smile knowing that He is deeper and bigger and more wild than I could ever imagine. His love is scandalous and relentless- it beckons us to come taste and see that it is sweeter than honey and more real than anything this world has to offer.
What a year it has been already and we are only a month in.
I have tried to run over and over again. Run from His patience, love, grace, and goodness. Running because I am sinful, scared, and self destructive. Running because I am human, unaware of the fact that these works of mine have no repercussions on the unconditional love that has freely been offered to me.
This patience. This grace. This love. This WILD story of redemption and new life has me in awe.
Every time I self destruct and run away, I am softly beckoned home. He whispers sweetly to my soul, wait, my restless daughter, there is more. I have more for you. You wanted to see my goodness, well come and see. You wanted to taste what I have to offer, well savor what I have given you and wait in expectation for what is in store. I have plans for you. Plans full of hope, and a future. My lively daughter, I want to give you everything.
This relentless beckon home is my favorite adventure. I have fallen for this life full of unexpected, winding bends in a road that is leading me back to the lover of my soul. It has captured my heart and soul and my very being. I am head over heals, smitten, absolutely consumed with this love.
I sit to think about all that He is, all that He has given me, all that ways He has shown me grace and favor. Those thoughts, they will never cease. They will never run out. I will never come to a point where I get up and say, "I have exhausted this idea of God, let us move on". It will never happen. My words, ideas, and perceptions of this love will never be good enough, never be full enough, never be big enough to fill up who He is. He is more.
And here I am trying to describe Him. Yet these words are swallowed up in all that He is.
So I sit and savor. Savor what He is given me, which, let me tell you, is more than I could have asked for. Cheesy, I know, but true. Too good to be true- that's grace.
And I wait expectantly for what He has in store. This is just the beginning- the tip of the ice berg to a life that is full of hope. I smile knowing that He is deeper and bigger and more wild than I could ever imagine. His love is scandalous and relentless- it beckons us to come taste and see that it is sweeter than honey and more real than anything this world has to offer.
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