This Year's Grace

So as 2013 comes to a close, I can't help but to reflect on the year and what God has taught me- as cheesy as that may be.

God started my year by taking me to Passion. What a sweet experience worshiping with 60,000 brothers and sisters was. I think that was when He ravished my heart for good. That was when I felt Him more than ever. Those four days He healed my heart and told me He wouldn't let go- no matter how faithless I am. I remember Francis Chan standing on the stage and reading this promise from 2 Timothy. And it has been one the verses that God has constantly brought me back to this year.

As I look back at 2013, I see all of the times I turned my back on God. Both in big ways and in little ones that I didn't even realize at the time. This promise of His faithfulness has been most evident in what He has taught me about grace. If He has taught me about anything, He has taught me about grace. There's a lyric from one of my favorite songs that says, "I am overwhelmed that I keep finding open arms". I don't think I could explain my feelings on grace better than that. His grace has wooed my mind, heart, and soul forever. He has changed my heart from thinking that I was a decently good person to seeing my self as sinful, fallen, dirty, broken, and needy to knowing that I am new, holy, justified, and glorified. His grace is like a new, shiny gift glimmering under the Christmas tree that I get to open over and over again every morning, just to find new life, love that endures, and a God that knows me every time. I will never get tired of opening that gift. 

This past year has also been a year of firsts. From my first semester of leading Young Life, to my first attempt at a godly relationship. He took me to Colorado and taught me more than I thought was possible to learn in a month. He has given me an amazing house to live in with amazing roommates. And He has changed my heart from one that is defensive and accusing to one that is patient and full of mercy because of them. He has showed me more of what excites my heart and what He has written in it. He has taught me a million little things and one great thing- that no matter what I do, He will love me. And He will pursue me relentlessly until the end of time. 

I am constantly astounded at the life I have. And even more astounded at the ways He has changed me and is still changing me. I was just telling one of my friends the other day that I was feeling almost defeated about what the Lord has been convicting me of lately and my feeling of inadequateness. That's when I felt Him speaking to my heart as He always does, saying, "Don't rush, don't worry, my child, my grace is enough". Wow. Grace has taught me that I am not perfect and I don't have to be perfect. 

The other night one of my friends asked me about my tattoo on my wrist and says "grace". I laughed as I thought about the irony it now holds. I told him that it's funny because when I got the tattoo, the summer after my senior year, I had no idea what grace was- not like I do now, at least. I wasn't even really walking with the Lord. I remember wanting it to be a reminder that I wasn't perfect and that I needed to be saved. A year and a half later, it couldn't be more opposite. Now it represents a beautiful story of redemption, hope, and new life. Well, about a month ago I got the chance to take my high school friends to Young Life Fall Camp for a weekend. My favorite part of the weekend was in one of the cabin times they asked me about this tattoo on my wrist. I got to tell them the differences between forgiveness, mercy, and grace. I got to share with them about the new life that we are offered so freely and how stunning it is. It was the absolute sweetest moment. And I am so thankful that God so graciously gave me the chance to share that with His daughters.

This year was full of moments like this one- ones where I would look back at God and see that His grace that is outshining everything else around me. "...but where sin abounded, grace abounded much more," Romans 5:20. 

2 Timothy 2:13

"If we are faithless, He remains faithful-

For He cannon deny Himself."

Romans 8:30

"And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified." 

Colossians 1:22

"he has now reconciled in his cody of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him."

1 Peter 1:3-4

"According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading..."

Romans 8:38-39

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, now powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

2 Corinthians 12:9

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

Bind My Wandering Heart to Thee

Over this past year my focus has been to walk with God. I wanted Him to be in the center of my life, to be constant- rather than in the past when He was in and out and in and out. I wanted to know Him, who He was and what He was about. And wow did He show me. He has taught me more about Himself than I ever thought He would. 

As I have been looking back on these past 11 months or so, I've definitely had times when I wasn't walking with God, I took detours. There were times when I wasn't praying or spending time with Him at all, times when I indulged in my sin rather than taking it to Him. Those were hard. But they were real. I kept running back to Him when my world would inevitably fall apart in His absence. One of the main things He has taught me about walking with Him is that I am actually walking in grace and love. He has taught me a lot about grace, as I'm sure you can see from my other posts. It's been a huge theme of the year. Through this "wandering" He has also showed me that even when we are faithless, He is faithful. How gracious. 

He has also taught me a lot about my heart and its desires. I have seen my heart get lost and wander from its home with God. It has clung onto people and things and ideas and dreams that aren't holy or worthy or good. It has deceived me, it has gotten bruised and neglected. I didn't understand. I want to love God, I want to be with Him, my heart knows this- HE is my heart's desire. But it still gets lost. The Bible is full of scripture that talks about the heart. It is blinded, it is hard, and it is deceptive above all. 

Our hearts can't be trusted, just like our feelings and our emotions can't be trusted. If you are following God, or even if you aren't, you have probably noticed that there is something off. Our hearts lead us into places that we were never meant to go. Our hearts have dark corners and stored up secrets. But the beauty of God's grace is that He gives us a chance to escape this darkness and He brings us into His light. He gives us a choice as to whether we want to follow our dark, deceptive heart or live in His full, joyous light. And as the song goes, we are prone to wander and prone to leave the God we love. He offers us hope and life and righteousness in spite of our wandering and leaving. And it's beautiful.

So all this to say, I have been wanting a certain tattoo for over a year now and yesterday I decided that I was tired of waiting and wanting, so I went and got it. I don't want my heart to wander when it already has a perfect home. My hope and joy is in His faithfulness to take my heart, to take my burdens and my worries, because I can't carry them on my own. He is my song and my salvation. My citizenship isn't here, but it is in heaven, so that is where I want my heart to be.

O to grace how great a debtor

Daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness, like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it;

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here's my heart, O take and seal it,

Seal it for thy courts above. 

Colossians 2:6-7

Therefor, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, walk in Him, rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving. 

2 Timothy 2:13

If we are faithless, He remains faithful- for He cannot deny himself.

1 Peter 2:9

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness and into His marvelous light.

Psalm 18:28
You, Lord keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. 

2 Corinthians 4:4

In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is in image of God. 

Ezekiel 11:19

I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their hear of stone and give them a heart of flesh. 

Jeremiah 17:9

The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick; who can understand it? 

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you up with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

John 10:10

The thief has come only to kill, steal, and destroy, but I have come that they may have life and have it to the full. 

Ephesians 2:24
And put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

Philippians 3:30 

But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we wait a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. 

Delight

So I have sat down to write this blog post 3 times now and each time I feel like I go off on random tangents that are apart of what I want to say but I don't end up saying what I actually want to say. So I'm just going to come out and say it.

Following Jesus in college is confusing and hard. 

Yes, it's hard at all times but I have found this season of my life to be one where I am faced with an abundance of decisions- decisions of utmost importance, ones that will effect the rest of my life. Well that's one way to look at it, and I think that's the most common, applicable, realistic way to look at it. The other way is that it really doesn't matter. Does it matter what I'm going to major in? Does it matter if I have 2 internships, 3 leadership role positions, and innumerable extra curricular/volunteer hours when I graduate so that I am "marketable" and can actually get a job? Does it matter if I study abroad? Do I want to do all of those thing? Most of them, yeah. I would love to do them. But are they important? In comparison to eternity- do these 4 years of school really matter?

I guess I am having trouble balancing perspective and reality. In the grande scheme of life, God is going to do what He wants to do. Plain and simple. In reality, I have to graduate from college and get a job. So where do I draw the line? Where can I say, yes- I need to do this, this is necessary. And where I can say, you know what- I'm not going to worry about this because in the long run it doesn't really matter.

I have been wrestling with this question for about a month now. I mean really wrestling- crying, journaling, losing sleep over it. And every single time I bring it to God I get a clear answer. Delight yourself in Me. That's all He says. Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. 

For the longest time I have thought that that was one of the most over-used, exhausted, cliche verses in the bible that Christians throw around all the time. I thought it was because it sounds beautiful- and we get what we want. That's how I saw it- I saw it as an equation. Do this then this will happen. Simple. But lately God had been making this verse come to life for me. As I struggle to find meaning and direction in school and my future God only asks one thing of me, and that's for me to delight in Him. How gracious. This has put God in a whole new light for me. I used to think that God was constantly laughing at me, constantly watching me fail and letting me fail, looking down on me almost bitter, in a holier-than-thou sense. And wow did I have it wrong.

As He has been showing me this verse and teaching me what it means, He has shown me that He looks down on me patiently, affectionately, eagerly, delicately, just waiting for me to look back at Him. He wants to give me everything I have ever wanted- doesn't every father want nothing but the best for his child? Think about your parents and what they want for you. Whether it seems like it or not, they want nothing but the absolute best for you. And God loves you more than your parents ever could, so just think about the things He wants to give you. He isn't watching bitterly as I fail miserably. But He graciously offers me joy, peace, and true love. And it's an offer that He will never stop giving. Because His love endures and His peace is transcending. 

So as I continue to stumble through this complex and seemingly meaningless education- and life, I will pray that He will take my steps for me and lead me to where He wants me. But also that I will soak it in, live in the moment, take joy in where I am at right now, laugh, and delight in Him. Not so that I will get what I want, but because I love Him and I want to want what He wants. He is wild, deep, fierce, sweet, and good. And I want my life to be wild, deep, fierce, sweet, and good. 



Psalm 37:4-5
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act."

Psalm 136:1
"Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His steadfast love endures forever."

Philippians 4:6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Hope is Real.

Lately I have been thinking about the hope that we have in Christ.

God has been exposing me to more and more of the world and as He does this my heart hurts for what I see but my hope in Christ is strengthened.

The first time He broke my heart over this hope was in my Philosophy and Religion class. Our first assignment for this class was to write about our religious back ground. This was easy for me. I just wrote out my testimony. Well I sit at the front of my row and this day some guy was sitting behind me. He passed his paper up with the rest of the ones from our row and his was on top. I am not typically that girl who reads other people's work but the teacher was taking forever to collect them so I decided to take a glance. The first two sentences said, "I believe that there is no purpose for our existence. We are here by mistake and chance."

What. I knew that people believed this, obviously, but for some reason, in that moment, it became real. This guy really thinks that he is here for no reason at all, he was a mistake, everyone was a mistake. Even now I can't wrap my mind around it. And it breaks my heart. There is so much that he doesn't know. He doesn't know God's love. His fierce, unfailing, intentional love. He doesn't know that his life has meaning and purpose and God has plans for him. If I didn't have this hope in Christ, I would be so lost. What would be the point in living? This guy literally doesn't have one. And that is scary and sad.

The next thing that has been breaking my heart is my work. I love where I work. But it can be really hard. I tend to pour out a lot. I don't think anyone there knows Jesus. They are actually crazy. I have yet to go to work without someone asking me if I have a fake or where I go out or what I am doing this weekend. Every time I just have to laugh and tell them I don't drink. Then they usually ask if I smoke and I laugh a little harder and say no to that one too. Then the conversation shifts and I usually feel judged or looked down on or treated like I'm 12. There are also other things that I have found out about them that I won't say- but lets just say, I was shocked and I can't believe that some of these things are now acceptable, even normal.

I don't look at these people and judge them or resent them for treating me different or anything like that. I look at them and, once again, my heart breaks. I see how wrapped up in this world they are, how much their sin is affecting their lives and the relationships they talk about. I think that God has been showing me just how out of place I am, not just at work, but in this world. In the world but not of the world. I used to think that was a really nice cliche saying from church. But lately God has been making it come to life for me. I see how weird my life is compared to the world and how out of place this love is.

Last, I see this in other people in my life, too. People I really care about. People I have known for years and love. And it breaks my heart even more. I see them living below their potential. I see them building up walls and hiding behind them. I see them looking for escapes. I see them trying to fill a void that they can't explain. I see them searching for more. I see so much of "if I could just feel less, I would be happy". Can I just say that this is a lie. It's straight up from the devil. He wants you to feel less, he wants you to feel as if you are worthless, he wants you to feel as if you aren't good enough, he wants to hurt you, he wants to make you feel alone, and he wants you to feel as if your life has no purpose. The thief came to kill, steal, and destroy. And he is doing just that. I can see it. It doesn't take a lot of hard looking to see that our world is broken and hurting. Anyways, I can see people I love hurting and it makes me hurt. And I don't know how to deal with it. And most days it makes me really sad.

But the second half of that verse says that Jesus has come that they may have life and have it to the full. And that is where my hope comes from. My hope is that one day I will see God restore these lives that are broken. He is faithful, even when we are faithless. He makes all things beautiful in its own time. He does all things for His glory. These truths have changed my life and given my heart hope. I used to think that if I could feel less then my life would be easier. Until I realized that that's not real. I want to feel. I pray for that a lot. I pray for a heart that feels things. I want to feel the bad because that means I get to feel the good. I want to look at people and feel my heart break so that I can look at Christ see hope, redemption, and love. Because that is real. 



Jeremiah 29:11
I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing, and perfect will. 

John 10:10
The thief comes only to kill, steal, and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

2 Timothy 2:13
If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself.

Ecclesiastes 3:11a
He has made everything beautiful in its time. 

Romans 9:17
I raised you up for this very purpose, that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. 

Grace is Making Me New.

     Lately all I can think about is this time last year. I think about who I was and what I wanted and what I was struggling with and what I was crying about. It's all so different than today. I was this freshman in college who wanted to seek God but was holding on for dear life to things that were preventing me from really knowing Him. This time last year I was broken and confused and hurt, and the more I think about who I was last year the more I am 1, amazed at how far God has brought me and 2, almost start to feel those same feelings. It's like thinking about something that upset you and you get upset all over again when you think about it. That's exactly what I am feeling. I am feeling this wave of sadness and anger and hurt that I felt a year ago and I can't shake it.

     I think that it's crazy how much God can change us in a year or a month or a week. I think about all the ways He has in changed me over this past year. Then I think about all the things He taught me this summer when I spent a month on Summer Staff. And finally I think about what He has shown me just in this past week. I realize that I am constantly changing and learning- so much so that I barely even realize that it's happening. So many areas of my life have been tossed upside down and been made new and I think that it's because those are the areas of my life that I have fully given to God. The ones that I am still struggling with and still feeling the sting of are the ones that I have held onto by my own strength and out of my own pride. I pridefully and selfishly say that I am going to lock this up in my heart so that I will have the upper hand, I will be in control, I will win. When really it's all still hurting me- I am weak, I am a slave to it, and I am losing.

     Admitting that to myself is hard. Telling myself that I am wrong and I am still hurting is the last thing I want. But grace is something that God has been teaching me a lot about too. He has also been showing me who I am now that I am His. Thinking about the hundreds of times my heart was broken in high school, or even in college, and thinking about how all of those times were a result me putting my hope in something that wasn't God shows me that it's by His grace that I can still find Him here. I still find Him waiting for me to figure things out. He isn't mad or upset or hurt that I continue to seek other things outside of Him, but He is patient and kind and understanding. He waits for me eagerly and He misses me while I'm gone. It's beautiful, really. And it's the picture of grace- that the God of the universe would wait for me while I screw up His plan and put my hope in the world when He has showed me time and time again that He is the only one who will satisfy. It's grace that He calls me His daughter. It's grace that He pursues me with a relentless love. It's grace that I can come back to Him when I am ready. It's grace that He continues to bless me when I am convinced that I am the most undeserving person in the world.  It's grace that He died for me so that I may be made holy, new, and righteous.

     I've realized that these feelings of hurt and inadequacy come from me not believing what He has made true. It's me not believing that I am new and different and loved. Take it a step further and it's also a form of disobedience. It's me not forgiving when I have been forgiven. How hypocritical for me to say, "yes, Lord, I accept your forgiveness and grace, but I'm holding onto my bitterness towards this person because I am prideful and selfish." I have asked God so many times, "how can you still forgive me, how can you still want me, how can you still love me?" and I realized that that's what I want people to look at me and ask. I want them to wonder how I can forgive so freely, how I can want to be apart of someone's life even though they want nothing to do with me, how can I still love someone who has hurt me so much. I don't want them to ask that because I want to be God, but I want them to ask that so that I will reflect God. I want to point to Him with everything that I do. And that starts with me letting go so that He can take control.

2 Corinthians 12:9

"He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Colossians 1:21-22
"And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him."

John 1:16
"For from his fullness we have all received grace upon grace."