Bind My Wandering Heart to Thee

Over this past year my focus has been to walk with God. I wanted Him to be in the center of my life, to be constant- rather than in the past when He was in and out and in and out. I wanted to know Him, who He was and what He was about. And wow did He show me. He has taught me more about Himself than I ever thought He would. 

As I have been looking back on these past 11 months or so, I've definitely had times when I wasn't walking with God, I took detours. There were times when I wasn't praying or spending time with Him at all, times when I indulged in my sin rather than taking it to Him. Those were hard. But they were real. I kept running back to Him when my world would inevitably fall apart in His absence. One of the main things He has taught me about walking with Him is that I am actually walking in grace and love. He has taught me a lot about grace, as I'm sure you can see from my other posts. It's been a huge theme of the year. Through this "wandering" He has also showed me that even when we are faithless, He is faithful. How gracious. 

He has also taught me a lot about my heart and its desires. I have seen my heart get lost and wander from its home with God. It has clung onto people and things and ideas and dreams that aren't holy or worthy or good. It has deceived me, it has gotten bruised and neglected. I didn't understand. I want to love God, I want to be with Him, my heart knows this- HE is my heart's desire. But it still gets lost. The Bible is full of scripture that talks about the heart. It is blinded, it is hard, and it is deceptive above all. 

Our hearts can't be trusted, just like our feelings and our emotions can't be trusted. If you are following God, or even if you aren't, you have probably noticed that there is something off. Our hearts lead us into places that we were never meant to go. Our hearts have dark corners and stored up secrets. But the beauty of God's grace is that He gives us a chance to escape this darkness and He brings us into His light. He gives us a choice as to whether we want to follow our dark, deceptive heart or live in His full, joyous light. And as the song goes, we are prone to wander and prone to leave the God we love. He offers us hope and life and righteousness in spite of our wandering and leaving. And it's beautiful.

So all this to say, I have been wanting a certain tattoo for over a year now and yesterday I decided that I was tired of waiting and wanting, so I went and got it. I don't want my heart to wander when it already has a perfect home. My hope and joy is in His faithfulness to take my heart, to take my burdens and my worries, because I can't carry them on my own. He is my song and my salvation. My citizenship isn't here, but it is in heaven, so that is where I want my heart to be.

O to grace how great a debtor

Daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness, like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it;

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here's my heart, O take and seal it,

Seal it for thy courts above. 

Colossians 2:6-7

Therefor, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, walk in Him, rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving. 

2 Timothy 2:13

If we are faithless, He remains faithful- for He cannot deny himself.

1 Peter 2:9

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness and into His marvelous light.

Psalm 18:28
You, Lord keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. 

2 Corinthians 4:4

In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is in image of God. 

Ezekiel 11:19

I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their hear of stone and give them a heart of flesh. 

Jeremiah 17:9

The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick; who can understand it? 

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you up with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

John 10:10

The thief has come only to kill, steal, and destroy, but I have come that they may have life and have it to the full. 

Ephesians 2:24
And put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

Philippians 3:30 

But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we wait a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. 

Delight

So I have sat down to write this blog post 3 times now and each time I feel like I go off on random tangents that are apart of what I want to say but I don't end up saying what I actually want to say. So I'm just going to come out and say it.

Following Jesus in college is confusing and hard. 

Yes, it's hard at all times but I have found this season of my life to be one where I am faced with an abundance of decisions- decisions of utmost importance, ones that will effect the rest of my life. Well that's one way to look at it, and I think that's the most common, applicable, realistic way to look at it. The other way is that it really doesn't matter. Does it matter what I'm going to major in? Does it matter if I have 2 internships, 3 leadership role positions, and innumerable extra curricular/volunteer hours when I graduate so that I am "marketable" and can actually get a job? Does it matter if I study abroad? Do I want to do all of those thing? Most of them, yeah. I would love to do them. But are they important? In comparison to eternity- do these 4 years of school really matter?

I guess I am having trouble balancing perspective and reality. In the grande scheme of life, God is going to do what He wants to do. Plain and simple. In reality, I have to graduate from college and get a job. So where do I draw the line? Where can I say, yes- I need to do this, this is necessary. And where I can say, you know what- I'm not going to worry about this because in the long run it doesn't really matter.

I have been wrestling with this question for about a month now. I mean really wrestling- crying, journaling, losing sleep over it. And every single time I bring it to God I get a clear answer. Delight yourself in Me. That's all He says. Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. 

For the longest time I have thought that that was one of the most over-used, exhausted, cliche verses in the bible that Christians throw around all the time. I thought it was because it sounds beautiful- and we get what we want. That's how I saw it- I saw it as an equation. Do this then this will happen. Simple. But lately God had been making this verse come to life for me. As I struggle to find meaning and direction in school and my future God only asks one thing of me, and that's for me to delight in Him. How gracious. This has put God in a whole new light for me. I used to think that God was constantly laughing at me, constantly watching me fail and letting me fail, looking down on me almost bitter, in a holier-than-thou sense. And wow did I have it wrong.

As He has been showing me this verse and teaching me what it means, He has shown me that He looks down on me patiently, affectionately, eagerly, delicately, just waiting for me to look back at Him. He wants to give me everything I have ever wanted- doesn't every father want nothing but the best for his child? Think about your parents and what they want for you. Whether it seems like it or not, they want nothing but the absolute best for you. And God loves you more than your parents ever could, so just think about the things He wants to give you. He isn't watching bitterly as I fail miserably. But He graciously offers me joy, peace, and true love. And it's an offer that He will never stop giving. Because His love endures and His peace is transcending. 

So as I continue to stumble through this complex and seemingly meaningless education- and life, I will pray that He will take my steps for me and lead me to where He wants me. But also that I will soak it in, live in the moment, take joy in where I am at right now, laugh, and delight in Him. Not so that I will get what I want, but because I love Him and I want to want what He wants. He is wild, deep, fierce, sweet, and good. And I want my life to be wild, deep, fierce, sweet, and good. 



Psalm 37:4-5
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act."

Psalm 136:1
"Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His steadfast love endures forever."

Philippians 4:6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."