Hope is Real.

Lately I have been thinking about the hope that we have in Christ.

God has been exposing me to more and more of the world and as He does this my heart hurts for what I see but my hope in Christ is strengthened.

The first time He broke my heart over this hope was in my Philosophy and Religion class. Our first assignment for this class was to write about our religious back ground. This was easy for me. I just wrote out my testimony. Well I sit at the front of my row and this day some guy was sitting behind me. He passed his paper up with the rest of the ones from our row and his was on top. I am not typically that girl who reads other people's work but the teacher was taking forever to collect them so I decided to take a glance. The first two sentences said, "I believe that there is no purpose for our existence. We are here by mistake and chance."

What. I knew that people believed this, obviously, but for some reason, in that moment, it became real. This guy really thinks that he is here for no reason at all, he was a mistake, everyone was a mistake. Even now I can't wrap my mind around it. And it breaks my heart. There is so much that he doesn't know. He doesn't know God's love. His fierce, unfailing, intentional love. He doesn't know that his life has meaning and purpose and God has plans for him. If I didn't have this hope in Christ, I would be so lost. What would be the point in living? This guy literally doesn't have one. And that is scary and sad.

The next thing that has been breaking my heart is my work. I love where I work. But it can be really hard. I tend to pour out a lot. I don't think anyone there knows Jesus. They are actually crazy. I have yet to go to work without someone asking me if I have a fake or where I go out or what I am doing this weekend. Every time I just have to laugh and tell them I don't drink. Then they usually ask if I smoke and I laugh a little harder and say no to that one too. Then the conversation shifts and I usually feel judged or looked down on or treated like I'm 12. There are also other things that I have found out about them that I won't say- but lets just say, I was shocked and I can't believe that some of these things are now acceptable, even normal.

I don't look at these people and judge them or resent them for treating me different or anything like that. I look at them and, once again, my heart breaks. I see how wrapped up in this world they are, how much their sin is affecting their lives and the relationships they talk about. I think that God has been showing me just how out of place I am, not just at work, but in this world. In the world but not of the world. I used to think that was a really nice cliche saying from church. But lately God has been making it come to life for me. I see how weird my life is compared to the world and how out of place this love is.

Last, I see this in other people in my life, too. People I really care about. People I have known for years and love. And it breaks my heart even more. I see them living below their potential. I see them building up walls and hiding behind them. I see them looking for escapes. I see them trying to fill a void that they can't explain. I see them searching for more. I see so much of "if I could just feel less, I would be happy". Can I just say that this is a lie. It's straight up from the devil. He wants you to feel less, he wants you to feel as if you are worthless, he wants you to feel as if you aren't good enough, he wants to hurt you, he wants to make you feel alone, and he wants you to feel as if your life has no purpose. The thief came to kill, steal, and destroy. And he is doing just that. I can see it. It doesn't take a lot of hard looking to see that our world is broken and hurting. Anyways, I can see people I love hurting and it makes me hurt. And I don't know how to deal with it. And most days it makes me really sad.

But the second half of that verse says that Jesus has come that they may have life and have it to the full. And that is where my hope comes from. My hope is that one day I will see God restore these lives that are broken. He is faithful, even when we are faithless. He makes all things beautiful in its own time. He does all things for His glory. These truths have changed my life and given my heart hope. I used to think that if I could feel less then my life would be easier. Until I realized that that's not real. I want to feel. I pray for that a lot. I pray for a heart that feels things. I want to feel the bad because that means I get to feel the good. I want to look at people and feel my heart break so that I can look at Christ see hope, redemption, and love. Because that is real. 



Jeremiah 29:11
I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing, and perfect will. 

John 10:10
The thief comes only to kill, steal, and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

2 Timothy 2:13
If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself.

Ecclesiastes 3:11a
He has made everything beautiful in its time. 

Romans 9:17
I raised you up for this very purpose, that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. 

Grace is Making Me New.

     Lately all I can think about is this time last year. I think about who I was and what I wanted and what I was struggling with and what I was crying about. It's all so different than today. I was this freshman in college who wanted to seek God but was holding on for dear life to things that were preventing me from really knowing Him. This time last year I was broken and confused and hurt, and the more I think about who I was last year the more I am 1, amazed at how far God has brought me and 2, almost start to feel those same feelings. It's like thinking about something that upset you and you get upset all over again when you think about it. That's exactly what I am feeling. I am feeling this wave of sadness and anger and hurt that I felt a year ago and I can't shake it.

     I think that it's crazy how much God can change us in a year or a month or a week. I think about all the ways He has in changed me over this past year. Then I think about all the things He taught me this summer when I spent a month on Summer Staff. And finally I think about what He has shown me just in this past week. I realize that I am constantly changing and learning- so much so that I barely even realize that it's happening. So many areas of my life have been tossed upside down and been made new and I think that it's because those are the areas of my life that I have fully given to God. The ones that I am still struggling with and still feeling the sting of are the ones that I have held onto by my own strength and out of my own pride. I pridefully and selfishly say that I am going to lock this up in my heart so that I will have the upper hand, I will be in control, I will win. When really it's all still hurting me- I am weak, I am a slave to it, and I am losing.

     Admitting that to myself is hard. Telling myself that I am wrong and I am still hurting is the last thing I want. But grace is something that God has been teaching me a lot about too. He has also been showing me who I am now that I am His. Thinking about the hundreds of times my heart was broken in high school, or even in college, and thinking about how all of those times were a result me putting my hope in something that wasn't God shows me that it's by His grace that I can still find Him here. I still find Him waiting for me to figure things out. He isn't mad or upset or hurt that I continue to seek other things outside of Him, but He is patient and kind and understanding. He waits for me eagerly and He misses me while I'm gone. It's beautiful, really. And it's the picture of grace- that the God of the universe would wait for me while I screw up His plan and put my hope in the world when He has showed me time and time again that He is the only one who will satisfy. It's grace that He calls me His daughter. It's grace that He pursues me with a relentless love. It's grace that I can come back to Him when I am ready. It's grace that He continues to bless me when I am convinced that I am the most undeserving person in the world.  It's grace that He died for me so that I may be made holy, new, and righteous.

     I've realized that these feelings of hurt and inadequacy come from me not believing what He has made true. It's me not believing that I am new and different and loved. Take it a step further and it's also a form of disobedience. It's me not forgiving when I have been forgiven. How hypocritical for me to say, "yes, Lord, I accept your forgiveness and grace, but I'm holding onto my bitterness towards this person because I am prideful and selfish." I have asked God so many times, "how can you still forgive me, how can you still want me, how can you still love me?" and I realized that that's what I want people to look at me and ask. I want them to wonder how I can forgive so freely, how I can want to be apart of someone's life even though they want nothing to do with me, how can I still love someone who has hurt me so much. I don't want them to ask that because I want to be God, but I want them to ask that so that I will reflect God. I want to point to Him with everything that I do. And that starts with me letting go so that He can take control.

2 Corinthians 12:9

"He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Colossians 1:21-22
"And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him."

John 1:16
"For from his fullness we have all received grace upon grace."