Grace is Making Me New.

     Lately all I can think about is this time last year. I think about who I was and what I wanted and what I was struggling with and what I was crying about. It's all so different than today. I was this freshman in college who wanted to seek God but was holding on for dear life to things that were preventing me from really knowing Him. This time last year I was broken and confused and hurt, and the more I think about who I was last year the more I am 1, amazed at how far God has brought me and 2, almost start to feel those same feelings. It's like thinking about something that upset you and you get upset all over again when you think about it. That's exactly what I am feeling. I am feeling this wave of sadness and anger and hurt that I felt a year ago and I can't shake it.

     I think that it's crazy how much God can change us in a year or a month or a week. I think about all the ways He has in changed me over this past year. Then I think about all the things He taught me this summer when I spent a month on Summer Staff. And finally I think about what He has shown me just in this past week. I realize that I am constantly changing and learning- so much so that I barely even realize that it's happening. So many areas of my life have been tossed upside down and been made new and I think that it's because those are the areas of my life that I have fully given to God. The ones that I am still struggling with and still feeling the sting of are the ones that I have held onto by my own strength and out of my own pride. I pridefully and selfishly say that I am going to lock this up in my heart so that I will have the upper hand, I will be in control, I will win. When really it's all still hurting me- I am weak, I am a slave to it, and I am losing.

     Admitting that to myself is hard. Telling myself that I am wrong and I am still hurting is the last thing I want. But grace is something that God has been teaching me a lot about too. He has also been showing me who I am now that I am His. Thinking about the hundreds of times my heart was broken in high school, or even in college, and thinking about how all of those times were a result me putting my hope in something that wasn't God shows me that it's by His grace that I can still find Him here. I still find Him waiting for me to figure things out. He isn't mad or upset or hurt that I continue to seek other things outside of Him, but He is patient and kind and understanding. He waits for me eagerly and He misses me while I'm gone. It's beautiful, really. And it's the picture of grace- that the God of the universe would wait for me while I screw up His plan and put my hope in the world when He has showed me time and time again that He is the only one who will satisfy. It's grace that He calls me His daughter. It's grace that He pursues me with a relentless love. It's grace that I can come back to Him when I am ready. It's grace that He continues to bless me when I am convinced that I am the most undeserving person in the world.  It's grace that He died for me so that I may be made holy, new, and righteous.

     I've realized that these feelings of hurt and inadequacy come from me not believing what He has made true. It's me not believing that I am new and different and loved. Take it a step further and it's also a form of disobedience. It's me not forgiving when I have been forgiven. How hypocritical for me to say, "yes, Lord, I accept your forgiveness and grace, but I'm holding onto my bitterness towards this person because I am prideful and selfish." I have asked God so many times, "how can you still forgive me, how can you still want me, how can you still love me?" and I realized that that's what I want people to look at me and ask. I want them to wonder how I can forgive so freely, how I can want to be apart of someone's life even though they want nothing to do with me, how can I still love someone who has hurt me so much. I don't want them to ask that because I want to be God, but I want them to ask that so that I will reflect God. I want to point to Him with everything that I do. And that starts with me letting go so that He can take control.

2 Corinthians 12:9

"He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Colossians 1:21-22
"And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him."

John 1:16
"For from his fullness we have all received grace upon grace."