I have wanted to write this post for a while now and I have been working on it since I got home. Even in the middle of summer I wanted to sit down and just write about everything that was going on. It has been over two months since I arrived back on southern soil and I am still trying to sift through everything and figure out exactly the impact that working for a summer at JH Ranch had on me.
So, as I sit and try to put this summer into words, I am slightly overwhelmed. Where to begin? I experienced so much. During those three-ish months I was challenged in ways that I could have never anticipated. I was put in situations that I never thought I would find myself in. From leading ropes courses, to taking a group of 15 year olds into the wilderness, to learning a new job and working in the kitchen the last week- it was all unexpected and so humbling. The Lord took me deeper and spoke to me more than I thought He would. He surprised me. He revealed to me more of my heart and so, so much more of His heart.
I walked into this summer with my heart in a weird place. It walked in with it still enslaved- unaware of what freedom really was.
My heart was both shy and submissive at the beginning of summer. It was shy of grace- sure my heart knew was grace was, but it wasn't sure how to accept grace fully. It was submissive in the sense that it was submissive to itself- to its own ideas and its own plan. My heart was running the show and my mind didn't know how to escape.
These ridged rules made breathing hard and Truth small.
Until one day, I walked into a big white tent we like to call the "Big Top" and my heart couldn't keep up the walls anymore as freedom seeped in and all the hard things stored up went rushing out.
He showed me that His love had set me FREE, and He didn't die so that my heart would be sulky and enslaved to shame. He didn't die so that I could sit around and wonder what I supposed to be doing with my life. He didn't die for me to question His existence or mine. But He died so that my life would be full and so I could dance.
This summer was a time of re-learning. I was taught how to walk and talk differently. I learned how to see situations, myself, and others through the lens of God's eyes- full of mercy and full of grace. I finally understood that the law had enslaved me and showed me how imperfect I was, but that Jesus had let me go, let me out of my shackles, and showed me just how perfect He was.
I learned a little more about how vast His love is- and it enchants my heart, soul, and mind again everyday when I stop to think about it.
He taught me what joy is and transformed my heart to one with a desire to please Him out of love- not obey Him out of obligation. I learned that I have fear in my heart- but, more importantly- I learned how to lay that fear down at the foot of the cross and leave it there.
I think one of my favorite things I learned this summer is that He is for us. What does this mean?
This has been tricky for me to put into words. I think that it is like our parents (which makes sense because He is our Father) in that He wants what is best for us, but He also wants what we want. This is because He created us. He formed us and wrote things in our hearts a long time ago and those things that get are heart jumping and our soul excited are the things that He has written. I learned that I have desires for a reason.
I think I already knew this- it is something that I have been told over and over again, growing up in the church. But I think this summer my heart finally accepted it. My heart grasped what it meant for the Creator of the universe and my heavenly Father to be complexly for me, and with that my heart sighed a great sigh of relief.
I think that I realized that everything I want, He is going to give me. It might not look the way I want it to look- but that's okay because it will be a million times better than anything my small, human mind could have put into order. I realized that the Lord WANTS me to be happy, He wants to bless me, love of me, and provide richly for me. He isn't out to get me. He doesn't want the opposite of everything I want. He doesn't give me my second choice just to spite me and teach me a lesson. He gives me my first choice and then some.
Another one of my favorite things I learned this summer was a new song called For the Cross. There is a line in that song that says, "Hallelujah, it is finished".
Hallelujah. It is finished.
When I sit back and realize what these words mean, I realize a little more of God's love and freedom.
It is finished. No more striving, no more inadequacy, no more failure. The victory is His. It is finished. Those words have brought me more peace and more joy than I have had in a long time. I can rest assured that my future and salvation doesn't rest on my works- because I will always fail. I will always come up short, I will never be able to be perfect. But hallelujah, Jesus never fails. He never comes up short, He is forever perfect. And that is the lens I am seen through. I am seen through the lens of "it is finished"- she is complete. It is finished. Jesus has conquered death and won the war. Therefore, I can stand in victory.
I now live in a world where strivings have ceased and peace reigns.
Through all of this, as though it could get any better, the Lord blessed me with people. His children. My siblings. His love was, and is still, more tangible in my life because of the people He put in it this summer. They taught me more of what it meant to love people, more of what it meant to walk out my faith, more of what it meant to know that I am heard and loved and beautiful, more of what it meant to push and be pushed towards our Father. He used them to change my life through conversation and adventure and a common passion for Him.
This summer was beautiful, and my favorite summer yet. It was a complete reflection of what life with Him looks like- full, joyous, fun, beautiful, an adventure. Was it perfect? No, because I'm not perfect. Did the Lord use it for my good and His glory? Absolutely. That's called grace.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Monday, May 19, 2014
California or Bust
As I gear up to leave for the summer, I cannot help to stop and check my spiritual pulse.
This past semester has been a hard one. It has seemed like a never ending desert and my soul has come to a point of complete and utter yearning for relief. Granted, I have lead myself to this desert- we choose our paths- but I am more than ready to take this path home.
This summer I am going to work in Northern California, on holy ground, at JH Ranch. I have been to JH before for a week as a camper, but never did I dream that I would have the chance to spend 3 months at this pure place.
To say the fear of the unknown is getting to me would be an understatement. The past few months of knowing this would be my summer home have held nothing but excitement and anticipation. Now the time has come to leave in a matter of 3 days and those feelings are now full of anxiety and fear. Mostly fear of the unknown. I don't even know what my job will be. The packing list alone is causing me to question the whole thing.
Not knowing what to expect, in a world where we do everything in our small power to be over prepared, is causing more than a little bit of healthy nervousness. Tonight I realized that I am terrified. I have no idea what I am getting myself into. I was thinking about what my summer would look like if I didn't go, and for a split second, the inevitable boredom of my hometown sounded welcoming- the key word being "inevitable", meaning certain- compared to a very uncertain summer 3,000 miles across the country.
Don't get me wrong- I am going and I cannot wait to see what the Lord has for me this summer. It is something that I have hoped for and prayed for since the day I left the Ranch nearly 3 years ago. But now the reality of it all is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I am surprised at how I am feeling. This was never expected, never part of the plan. Pure bliss is all I have ever imagined this day to look like. But now.
But now it's all different. Now it is happening, the details are in place and my fate is sealed. As I await this day my heart is burdened by the lies I have been feeding myself. They are suddenly coming to life and closing in on their prey.
What if I'm not prepared?
What if I forget something?
What if I fly into the wrong airport?
Who am I going to talk to on the 6 hour bus ride to camp?
What if I don't have any friends?
What if I miss home?
What if I hate my job?
What if I hate my coworkers?
What if I gain 20 pounds?
What if I don't have enough clothes?
Who am I going to be living with?
What will my days look like?
What am I going to wear everyday?
What if I hate the food?
Do they have PB&J?
Should I bring my own PB&J?
Enough to last me 3 months?
I could go on for days. All of them would come back to the root cause of fear of the unknown, not knowing what to expect, not knowing what is planned, wanting to be in control. Yet being in control has lead me into this desolate desert that I hate more than I could hate any camp food or co-worker. (I was trying to make a point, I am 100% positive I will not hate any of my coworkers).
The fact is, all of these are petty concerns and worries that the Lord has had taken care of since the beginning of time. And I know that. My mind knows that. But my heart and soul are on a completely different page. As usual.
I am completely aware of how irrational all of these questions are, yet they are there. They are all in my mind getting bigger by the day. I can feel my soul start to tremble as the time to leave gets closer and closer. This trembling in unexpected. It's my need for control and knowledge that is causing this shudder. My white-knuckled, tight grip on this seemingly safe and perfectly predictable world is destroying me. It is exhausting to hold onto the lies when my heart longs for and was designed to breath the Truth.
So here is to hoping that these next 3 months will be my path home, rather than a voyage deeper into my self-inflicted desert.
This past semester has been a hard one. It has seemed like a never ending desert and my soul has come to a point of complete and utter yearning for relief. Granted, I have lead myself to this desert- we choose our paths- but I am more than ready to take this path home.
This summer I am going to work in Northern California, on holy ground, at JH Ranch. I have been to JH before for a week as a camper, but never did I dream that I would have the chance to spend 3 months at this pure place.
To say the fear of the unknown is getting to me would be an understatement. The past few months of knowing this would be my summer home have held nothing but excitement and anticipation. Now the time has come to leave in a matter of 3 days and those feelings are now full of anxiety and fear. Mostly fear of the unknown. I don't even know what my job will be. The packing list alone is causing me to question the whole thing.
Not knowing what to expect, in a world where we do everything in our small power to be over prepared, is causing more than a little bit of healthy nervousness. Tonight I realized that I am terrified. I have no idea what I am getting myself into. I was thinking about what my summer would look like if I didn't go, and for a split second, the inevitable boredom of my hometown sounded welcoming- the key word being "inevitable", meaning certain- compared to a very uncertain summer 3,000 miles across the country.
Don't get me wrong- I am going and I cannot wait to see what the Lord has for me this summer. It is something that I have hoped for and prayed for since the day I left the Ranch nearly 3 years ago. But now the reality of it all is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I am surprised at how I am feeling. This was never expected, never part of the plan. Pure bliss is all I have ever imagined this day to look like. But now.
But now it's all different. Now it is happening, the details are in place and my fate is sealed. As I await this day my heart is burdened by the lies I have been feeding myself. They are suddenly coming to life and closing in on their prey.
What if I'm not prepared?
What if I forget something?
What if I fly into the wrong airport?
Who am I going to talk to on the 6 hour bus ride to camp?
What if I don't have any friends?
What if I miss home?
What if I hate my job?
What if I hate my coworkers?
What if I gain 20 pounds?
What if I don't have enough clothes?
Who am I going to be living with?
What will my days look like?
What am I going to wear everyday?
What if I hate the food?
Do they have PB&J?
Should I bring my own PB&J?
Enough to last me 3 months?
I could go on for days. All of them would come back to the root cause of fear of the unknown, not knowing what to expect, not knowing what is planned, wanting to be in control. Yet being in control has lead me into this desolate desert that I hate more than I could hate any camp food or co-worker. (I was trying to make a point, I am 100% positive I will not hate any of my coworkers).
The fact is, all of these are petty concerns and worries that the Lord has had taken care of since the beginning of time. And I know that. My mind knows that. But my heart and soul are on a completely different page. As usual.
I am completely aware of how irrational all of these questions are, yet they are there. They are all in my mind getting bigger by the day. I can feel my soul start to tremble as the time to leave gets closer and closer. This trembling in unexpected. It's my need for control and knowledge that is causing this shudder. My white-knuckled, tight grip on this seemingly safe and perfectly predictable world is destroying me. It is exhausting to hold onto the lies when my heart longs for and was designed to breath the Truth.
So here is to hoping that these next 3 months will be my path home, rather than a voyage deeper into my self-inflicted desert.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Grace in Brokenness
This past week has been hard. Probably one of the hardest weeks thus far.
Sometimes the Lord gently whispers to our souls with conviction. And then sometimes He decides to turn our world upside down in order to get our attention.
Well this week He turned my world upside down.
Monday night I got in a wreck. Where is that grace in that? It's in the fact that both drivers walked away untouched and the other driver's car didn't have a scratch on it. And I am so grateful for that. But to say the Lord has used this wreck as a wake up call is an understatement.
On top of that, I lost my wallet on that same day. Let me just say that I don't lose things. Ever. Especially a wallet. I honestly think He might have just called my wallet up to heaven because it is literally no where to be found.
So here I am without a car and without any money. Talk about turning your world upside down.
My wreck has taught me that I am not perfect. I cannot do this on my own. I am not in control.
It's so easy to go through life not depending on God. We desire control so deeply that we don't even realize that we are continuously subconsciously rejecting God and grace when we do things (everything) on our own. I was on my way to Young Life club when the Lord completely broke me. I sat in a parking lot and cried for a good 30 minutes after I wrecked. Crying because it was my fault. Crying because I'm not perfect. Crying because there was nothing I could do to fix it. Crying because of the weight of pressure I put on myself to keep it together. Crying because it was not together. Not even close. Crying because of the guilt. Crying because my parents don't deserve this new burden. Crying because all of this hit me at the same time and it hurt. It hurt really bad. It still hurts.
I found that it's easy to temporarily forget about things. It's easy to box them up in the back of your mind while you are in class or with your friends or watching TV or skimming through Instagram. But eventually you will be alone and the things you kept stored in the back of you mind break free and run wild again. They all hit you at the same time and all of a sudden it hurts even worse than before. As if they have grown in power since being caged up. And all you want is for all of it to disappear. The fear, the disappointment, the failure. It all hurts. You keep telling yourself that it's okay. But you don't believe it. Not for a second. And you can't control it. And that might be the hardest part of it all: the fact that you have no control over any of this.
When the Lord breaks you you feel both helpless and needy, yet frustrated and angry.
Then you find yourself wanting someone to lean on- desperately seeking someone to love you and share the burden of brokenness. Someone to talk to but no one seems to get it no matter what you say or do. You run from Jesus because you tell yourself that leaning on Him would be too hard. You run from friends because you don't want to drag them down or burden them or maybe you even feel like they won't understand and you don't even see the point of trying to explain that you are feeling both shattered and hollow. So you tell yourself that it's easier to just keep it all inside of you and that you'll deal with it later.
But dealing with it later never happens and as you sit alone with God there is a disconnect, an elephant in the room weighing down on you, making it impossible to communicate with Him. You don't want to bring it up because you are avoiding all of the pain, but sitting in front of God in silence might be even harder. Because He isn't being silent. He is yelling at you, begging you to deal with this hurt and frustration. Imploring you to rely on Him. You want nothing to do with it, so you walk away and tell yourself that you will deal with it later. And the cycle continues.
How do we get out of that cycle? By dealing with it, by being vulnerable, by handing over our pride and taking on His yoke. Is it hard? Yeah. Hell yeah, it's hard. But is it worth it? A thousand times yes. Because this wreck has forced me to sit down and say that even when I feel like running 100 miles in the opposite direction of God, that is that time when I need to believe in His goodness the most. The times when I am shattered and hollow are the times when I have to go to the foot of the cross to be filled back up and put back together. The times when I want nothing but to feel nothing are the times when I have to indulge in my pain and my brokenness more than ever before. The times when I have lost my voice are the times that I have to sing His praise the loudest. He is always good.
Being left with no car and no money has taught me dependence- a hard lesson to be taught when all you want is to be in control.
Let me just tell you how the Lord provided for me over and over this past week... First of all, I am convinced that I have the greatest roommates ever. They woke up early and took me to campus everyday. At first I really struggled with this and I felt really bad and like I was being a burden to them. But then I realized that if one of them were in the same situation, I wouldn't think twice about taking them anywhere or waking up early. They are my sisters, we are family, that's what you do for the people you love. Second, He used my whole community to love me this week. People offered me rides left and right. They constantly asked if I needed anything at all and to call them when and if I did. Then, the first two days I went to campus I didn't have any kind of money (no wallet) so I couldn't even eat anything. The Lord provided me with free lunch from organizations handing out pizza. Not a coincidence. Last, I ended up having to stay on campus all day everyday because I had no way to go home in between classes (no car) and even when I was done I had to wait for a roommate to be done or a friend to give me a ride. During all of those extra hours of hanging out the Lord blessed me with 70 degree weather and surrounded me with friends throughout everyday. They brought so much joy to my life this week. I look at these friends and I see the body of Christ. How undeserving I am of their selfless love.
So, while this week was hard, He uses everything to work together for our good. While the days were long and at the end of them, when I was finally alone, I was filled with more anxiety and more brokenness than before, I also had joy and hope and love to hold onto. When I looked at Jesus and told Him that leaning on Him would be too hard, He graciously offered my His body, my brothers and sisters, and loved me through them.
I guess that what I am learning is that I am broken- so, so broken. I am scared of being vulnerable with both Jesus and friends. I am not perfect. I desperately need Jesus. I cannot do this on my own. Grace is so big that I can feel all of these horrible, dark, hard things and still step back and say that I am more blessed than I was before. I am thankful for a God who knows me better than I know me and who knows what I need before I even know what I might want.
Sometimes the Lord gently whispers to our souls with conviction. And then sometimes He decides to turn our world upside down in order to get our attention.
Well this week He turned my world upside down.
Monday night I got in a wreck. Where is that grace in that? It's in the fact that both drivers walked away untouched and the other driver's car didn't have a scratch on it. And I am so grateful for that. But to say the Lord has used this wreck as a wake up call is an understatement.
On top of that, I lost my wallet on that same day. Let me just say that I don't lose things. Ever. Especially a wallet. I honestly think He might have just called my wallet up to heaven because it is literally no where to be found.
So here I am without a car and without any money. Talk about turning your world upside down.
My wreck has taught me that I am not perfect. I cannot do this on my own. I am not in control.
It's so easy to go through life not depending on God. We desire control so deeply that we don't even realize that we are continuously subconsciously rejecting God and grace when we do things (everything) on our own. I was on my way to Young Life club when the Lord completely broke me. I sat in a parking lot and cried for a good 30 minutes after I wrecked. Crying because it was my fault. Crying because I'm not perfect. Crying because there was nothing I could do to fix it. Crying because of the weight of pressure I put on myself to keep it together. Crying because it was not together. Not even close. Crying because of the guilt. Crying because my parents don't deserve this new burden. Crying because all of this hit me at the same time and it hurt. It hurt really bad. It still hurts.
I found that it's easy to temporarily forget about things. It's easy to box them up in the back of your mind while you are in class or with your friends or watching TV or skimming through Instagram. But eventually you will be alone and the things you kept stored in the back of you mind break free and run wild again. They all hit you at the same time and all of a sudden it hurts even worse than before. As if they have grown in power since being caged up. And all you want is for all of it to disappear. The fear, the disappointment, the failure. It all hurts. You keep telling yourself that it's okay. But you don't believe it. Not for a second. And you can't control it. And that might be the hardest part of it all: the fact that you have no control over any of this.
When the Lord breaks you you feel both helpless and needy, yet frustrated and angry.
Then you find yourself wanting someone to lean on- desperately seeking someone to love you and share the burden of brokenness. Someone to talk to but no one seems to get it no matter what you say or do. You run from Jesus because you tell yourself that leaning on Him would be too hard. You run from friends because you don't want to drag them down or burden them or maybe you even feel like they won't understand and you don't even see the point of trying to explain that you are feeling both shattered and hollow. So you tell yourself that it's easier to just keep it all inside of you and that you'll deal with it later.
But dealing with it later never happens and as you sit alone with God there is a disconnect, an elephant in the room weighing down on you, making it impossible to communicate with Him. You don't want to bring it up because you are avoiding all of the pain, but sitting in front of God in silence might be even harder. Because He isn't being silent. He is yelling at you, begging you to deal with this hurt and frustration. Imploring you to rely on Him. You want nothing to do with it, so you walk away and tell yourself that you will deal with it later. And the cycle continues.
How do we get out of that cycle? By dealing with it, by being vulnerable, by handing over our pride and taking on His yoke. Is it hard? Yeah. Hell yeah, it's hard. But is it worth it? A thousand times yes. Because this wreck has forced me to sit down and say that even when I feel like running 100 miles in the opposite direction of God, that is that time when I need to believe in His goodness the most. The times when I am shattered and hollow are the times when I have to go to the foot of the cross to be filled back up and put back together. The times when I want nothing but to feel nothing are the times when I have to indulge in my pain and my brokenness more than ever before. The times when I have lost my voice are the times that I have to sing His praise the loudest. He is always good.
Being left with no car and no money has taught me dependence- a hard lesson to be taught when all you want is to be in control.
Let me just tell you how the Lord provided for me over and over this past week... First of all, I am convinced that I have the greatest roommates ever. They woke up early and took me to campus everyday. At first I really struggled with this and I felt really bad and like I was being a burden to them. But then I realized that if one of them were in the same situation, I wouldn't think twice about taking them anywhere or waking up early. They are my sisters, we are family, that's what you do for the people you love. Second, He used my whole community to love me this week. People offered me rides left and right. They constantly asked if I needed anything at all and to call them when and if I did. Then, the first two days I went to campus I didn't have any kind of money (no wallet) so I couldn't even eat anything. The Lord provided me with free lunch from organizations handing out pizza. Not a coincidence. Last, I ended up having to stay on campus all day everyday because I had no way to go home in between classes (no car) and even when I was done I had to wait for a roommate to be done or a friend to give me a ride. During all of those extra hours of hanging out the Lord blessed me with 70 degree weather and surrounded me with friends throughout everyday. They brought so much joy to my life this week. I look at these friends and I see the body of Christ. How undeserving I am of their selfless love.
So, while this week was hard, He uses everything to work together for our good. While the days were long and at the end of them, when I was finally alone, I was filled with more anxiety and more brokenness than before, I also had joy and hope and love to hold onto. When I looked at Jesus and told Him that leaning on Him would be too hard, He graciously offered my His body, my brothers and sisters, and loved me through them.
I guess that what I am learning is that I am broken- so, so broken. I am scared of being vulnerable with both Jesus and friends. I am not perfect. I desperately need Jesus. I cannot do this on my own. Grace is so big that I can feel all of these horrible, dark, hard things and still step back and say that I am more blessed than I was before. I am thankful for a God who knows me better than I know me and who knows what I need before I even know what I might want.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Thoughts on Beauty and College: Because You Matter
Last night as I was pulling onto campus around 10:45 pm and I saw a group of girls walking out of their dorm down the side walk. I could go into specifics about how they were dressed, or I could just say that it was pretty obvious that they were going to a party. As I rode by in the car and watched them walking all I could think was, "you're better than that". Then I started thinking about the thousands of other girls who had spent hours getting ready for a Friday night and were now walking down the street to their debut.
Then this morning I woke up and was scrolling through my Facebook timeline when I saw an article posted and decided to click on it because it was 8 in the morning on a Saturday and I had nothing better to do. I also just really love reading articles. Anyways, this article was essentially saying: do everything you want. Make mistakes, get hurt, fail, make a fool of yourself, do really, really, stupid and hurtful things on purpose- and don't judge other girls for doing the same. It said to do this while you were in college and it said that, without a doubt, those 4 college years would be the best 4 years of your life. As I was reading, my heart was breaking again.
Now I know that I don't drink, I don't go to parties, I don't spend hours perfecting my hair and makeup, I don't wear skin-tight skirts and shirts that show off my boobs, and I probably, God willing, will never do any of those things. But I can still relate to these girls more than you know. Because I, like them, find my worth in things that I shouldn't. Every girl does.
I might not drink but I want attention. I don't go to parties but I still put pressure on myself to be the funniest, coolest, realest girl among my friends. I might not spend hours perfecting my hair and makeup, but I compare myself to other girls and how pretty I think they are and I wake up every morning to put on my makeup because I could never imagine going to class without mascara. I don't wear skin-tight skirts or shirts that show off my boobs, but if you think that I don't put thought into what I wear, you're wrong.
The point is, I'm not judging these girls. My heart breaks for them because I see myself in them. I see my sin in them. I am these girls. I see them wanting attention, wanting to look the hottest, wanting to be the most desired, wanting to have the craziest night. I want those things too. It might look different, but it's the same. Trust me, it's the exact same. Putting your worth where it doesn't belong is dangerous no matter where you put it.
Girls, I am writing this to myself as much as I am anyone else, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. The Lord has been teaching me about beauty more and more lately and He has been screaming to me that beauty comes from the heart. It always has and it always will. It's so cliche, and I hate that the world has turned it into a mundane, worthless saying, but it is Truth. Vulnerability is beautiful. A gentle spirit is beautiful. Silent confidence is beautiful. Do not buy into this world, don't feed off of the lie that beauty is what you see when you look in the mirror. Don't listen when it says you need to lose 10 pounds before spring break. Run away when the world tells you that your eyes aren't striking enough, or that if your nose was just a little smaller your face would be perfect. Beauty isn't in your hair, your makeup, your clothes, your shoes, or your boy friend. Beauty is in your heart, it's in how real and vulnerable you're willing to be.
The Lord says there ins't a flaw within you, you were fearfully and wonderfully made, you are the Lord's craftsmanship. Your bodies are perfect. Your face is perfect. Work on your heart. Pay attention to it, strengthen it, pray for it. That is where your beauty lies.
Now for the article.
I respect this author's opinion. But I also respectfully disagree. I disagree with mostly all of it. Besides the part about not judging other girls. That was a good message, I support that. But the rest of it can go.
Sorry, but you shouldn't try to intentionally be your worst self just because it's college and you can. You will get hurt, it's inevitable. I get hurt all the time and I try to be the best version of myself. But if you don't take caution when it come to your actions, your scars and your pain will be so unnecessarily deep. Don't be reckless with your heart. Protect it. It so, so precious and sensitive. Take care of it. Don't abuse it. Don't make it numb. Your actions reflect and impact your heart. So act wisely and act accordingly. That's all I will say about that.
Now. Sorry, but college will not be the best 4 years of your life. Don't get me wrong. I am so, so happy. I LOVE being in college. I love it because you have all the freedom of being an adult with about one fourth of the responsibility. It's great. But this is not as good as it gets. It cannot be. Sure, we are young, pretty, carefree, and our bodies will probably never look this good again. But if those are the standards by which you measure you happiness or quality of life, then yeah, you're right, these are the best 4 years. Because from that perspective, it's all down hill after you walk across that stage. But I hope that life is more than that. My hope is that life gets better with age, that it gets better as I walk closer and closer to God and as I get further into this adventure He has planned for me. Is he blessing me right now while I'm in college? Yes. A thousand times yes. Will He continue to bless me after I graduate? I couldn't be more sure of something. Don't put these 4 years on an impossible pedestal for them to live up to. They're fun and great, but they aren't the end, and by no means are they the best 4 years of your life.
Lastly:
Girls, you are better than what you are settling for. You deserve more than parties and boys who don't really care and pressure to look a certain way. You are more than the clothes you wear, you are prettier than the makeup you put on your face. You matter. Your life matters, your actions matter, your heart matters.
Then this morning I woke up and was scrolling through my Facebook timeline when I saw an article posted and decided to click on it because it was 8 in the morning on a Saturday and I had nothing better to do. I also just really love reading articles. Anyways, this article was essentially saying: do everything you want. Make mistakes, get hurt, fail, make a fool of yourself, do really, really, stupid and hurtful things on purpose- and don't judge other girls for doing the same. It said to do this while you were in college and it said that, without a doubt, those 4 college years would be the best 4 years of your life. As I was reading, my heart was breaking again.
Now I know that I don't drink, I don't go to parties, I don't spend hours perfecting my hair and makeup, I don't wear skin-tight skirts and shirts that show off my boobs, and I probably, God willing, will never do any of those things. But I can still relate to these girls more than you know. Because I, like them, find my worth in things that I shouldn't. Every girl does.
I might not drink but I want attention. I don't go to parties but I still put pressure on myself to be the funniest, coolest, realest girl among my friends. I might not spend hours perfecting my hair and makeup, but I compare myself to other girls and how pretty I think they are and I wake up every morning to put on my makeup because I could never imagine going to class without mascara. I don't wear skin-tight skirts or shirts that show off my boobs, but if you think that I don't put thought into what I wear, you're wrong.
The point is, I'm not judging these girls. My heart breaks for them because I see myself in them. I see my sin in them. I am these girls. I see them wanting attention, wanting to look the hottest, wanting to be the most desired, wanting to have the craziest night. I want those things too. It might look different, but it's the same. Trust me, it's the exact same. Putting your worth where it doesn't belong is dangerous no matter where you put it.
Girls, I am writing this to myself as much as I am anyone else, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. The Lord has been teaching me about beauty more and more lately and He has been screaming to me that beauty comes from the heart. It always has and it always will. It's so cliche, and I hate that the world has turned it into a mundane, worthless saying, but it is Truth. Vulnerability is beautiful. A gentle spirit is beautiful. Silent confidence is beautiful. Do not buy into this world, don't feed off of the lie that beauty is what you see when you look in the mirror. Don't listen when it says you need to lose 10 pounds before spring break. Run away when the world tells you that your eyes aren't striking enough, or that if your nose was just a little smaller your face would be perfect. Beauty isn't in your hair, your makeup, your clothes, your shoes, or your boy friend. Beauty is in your heart, it's in how real and vulnerable you're willing to be.
The Lord says there ins't a flaw within you, you were fearfully and wonderfully made, you are the Lord's craftsmanship. Your bodies are perfect. Your face is perfect. Work on your heart. Pay attention to it, strengthen it, pray for it. That is where your beauty lies.
Now for the article.
I respect this author's opinion. But I also respectfully disagree. I disagree with mostly all of it. Besides the part about not judging other girls. That was a good message, I support that. But the rest of it can go.
Sorry, but you shouldn't try to intentionally be your worst self just because it's college and you can. You will get hurt, it's inevitable. I get hurt all the time and I try to be the best version of myself. But if you don't take caution when it come to your actions, your scars and your pain will be so unnecessarily deep. Don't be reckless with your heart. Protect it. It so, so precious and sensitive. Take care of it. Don't abuse it. Don't make it numb. Your actions reflect and impact your heart. So act wisely and act accordingly. That's all I will say about that.
Now. Sorry, but college will not be the best 4 years of your life. Don't get me wrong. I am so, so happy. I LOVE being in college. I love it because you have all the freedom of being an adult with about one fourth of the responsibility. It's great. But this is not as good as it gets. It cannot be. Sure, we are young, pretty, carefree, and our bodies will probably never look this good again. But if those are the standards by which you measure you happiness or quality of life, then yeah, you're right, these are the best 4 years. Because from that perspective, it's all down hill after you walk across that stage. But I hope that life is more than that. My hope is that life gets better with age, that it gets better as I walk closer and closer to God and as I get further into this adventure He has planned for me. Is he blessing me right now while I'm in college? Yes. A thousand times yes. Will He continue to bless me after I graduate? I couldn't be more sure of something. Don't put these 4 years on an impossible pedestal for them to live up to. They're fun and great, but they aren't the end, and by no means are they the best 4 years of your life.
Lastly:
Girls, you are better than what you are settling for. You deserve more than parties and boys who don't really care and pressure to look a certain way. You are more than the clothes you wear, you are prettier than the makeup you put on your face. You matter. Your life matters, your actions matter, your heart matters.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Relentless Love
Over this past month the Lord has been showing me so many things, as always. Mainly He has been showing me more about His love in the aspects of its endless patience and eternal grace. This year I am focusing on tasting and seeing that the Lord is good. Challenging God, in a way, prompting Him to show me all of the goodness that He promises.
What a year it has been already and we are only a month in.
I have tried to run over and over again. Run from His patience, love, grace, and goodness. Running because I am sinful, scared, and self destructive. Running because I am human, unaware of the fact that these works of mine have no repercussions on the unconditional love that has freely been offered to me.
This patience. This grace. This love. This WILD story of redemption and new life has me in awe.
Every time I self destruct and run away, I am softly beckoned home. He whispers sweetly to my soul, wait, my restless daughter, there is more. I have more for you. You wanted to see my goodness, well come and see. You wanted to taste what I have to offer, well savor what I have given you and wait in expectation for what is in store. I have plans for you. Plans full of hope, and a future. My lively daughter, I want to give you everything.
This relentless beckon home is my favorite adventure. I have fallen for this life full of unexpected, winding bends in a road that is leading me back to the lover of my soul. It has captured my heart and soul and my very being. I am head over heals, smitten, absolutely consumed with this love.
I sit to think about all that He is, all that He has given me, all that ways He has shown me grace and favor. Those thoughts, they will never cease. They will never run out. I will never come to a point where I get up and say, "I have exhausted this idea of God, let us move on". It will never happen. My words, ideas, and perceptions of this love will never be good enough, never be full enough, never be big enough to fill up who He is. He is more.
And here I am trying to describe Him. Yet these words are swallowed up in all that He is.
So I sit and savor. Savor what He is given me, which, let me tell you, is more than I could have asked for. Cheesy, I know, but true. Too good to be true- that's grace.
And I wait expectantly for what He has in store. This is just the beginning- the tip of the ice berg to a life that is full of hope. I smile knowing that He is deeper and bigger and more wild than I could ever imagine. His love is scandalous and relentless- it beckons us to come taste and see that it is sweeter than honey and more real than anything this world has to offer.
What a year it has been already and we are only a month in.
I have tried to run over and over again. Run from His patience, love, grace, and goodness. Running because I am sinful, scared, and self destructive. Running because I am human, unaware of the fact that these works of mine have no repercussions on the unconditional love that has freely been offered to me.
This patience. This grace. This love. This WILD story of redemption and new life has me in awe.
Every time I self destruct and run away, I am softly beckoned home. He whispers sweetly to my soul, wait, my restless daughter, there is more. I have more for you. You wanted to see my goodness, well come and see. You wanted to taste what I have to offer, well savor what I have given you and wait in expectation for what is in store. I have plans for you. Plans full of hope, and a future. My lively daughter, I want to give you everything.
This relentless beckon home is my favorite adventure. I have fallen for this life full of unexpected, winding bends in a road that is leading me back to the lover of my soul. It has captured my heart and soul and my very being. I am head over heals, smitten, absolutely consumed with this love.
I sit to think about all that He is, all that He has given me, all that ways He has shown me grace and favor. Those thoughts, they will never cease. They will never run out. I will never come to a point where I get up and say, "I have exhausted this idea of God, let us move on". It will never happen. My words, ideas, and perceptions of this love will never be good enough, never be full enough, never be big enough to fill up who He is. He is more.
And here I am trying to describe Him. Yet these words are swallowed up in all that He is.
So I sit and savor. Savor what He is given me, which, let me tell you, is more than I could have asked for. Cheesy, I know, but true. Too good to be true- that's grace.
And I wait expectantly for what He has in store. This is just the beginning- the tip of the ice berg to a life that is full of hope. I smile knowing that He is deeper and bigger and more wild than I could ever imagine. His love is scandalous and relentless- it beckons us to come taste and see that it is sweeter than honey and more real than anything this world has to offer.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Taste and See
I am alone in the rare stillness of life, everything is frozen. I have stopped to look at the world I live in, a world that I am capable of creating, impacting, influencing. I look at the people in my life. There's friends, classmates, roommates, family, mentors, teachers. All of whom I adore. Then I look at my responsibilities. School, jobs, homework, groceries, errands, a house. Major opportunities and blessings I am thankful for. Next I see the commitments I've made- I see teammates, high school friends, club, campaigners, dinners, sporting events, parents, meetings. Time, time, time that brings me joy to give away. These people, responsibilities, and commitments are all asking for something from me. Asking for pieces of me, attention, love. By this time I am overwhelmed. What seemed to be a grand, adventurous life just waiting to be filled has now turned into a big pile of pressure and stress weighing down on me.
And there here I am. Alone, deserted in an empty town with all of this work ahead of me. So I start plugging away, building up a relationship here and doing homework over there and going to club right there and figuring out a job somewhere in there. Slowly but surely, things seem to come together. But all of a sudden I realize that this is not enough. I look at a neighboring town and see buildings reaching to the sky. Their town is polished and clean and organized. I look at mine and I see a few small buildings- buildings with incredible promise, but in need of more attention. I can do this, I think. I have everything under control. I will just work a little harder. So I start to work. I start building up one building into a beautiful masterpiece. I pour my heart and soul into this building. I spend all of my time with it, caring for it, talking to it, loving it with all I have. I step back and look at what I have done. As I step back I realize that I have spent all my time on this one building and the rest of them have started to crumble, almost nonexistent. That's okay, I think. I can do this. So I move to another building. But as soon as I take my eyes off of my masterpiece it starts to deteriorate. That's okay, I think. I can do this. So I reach out my hand and place it on the building. It comes back to life a little more. Good. Now I only have this other hand to work with, what should I do? I look around and see that way over there, there is a building empty, shallow, crying out for love and attention. I have no choice but to leave. So I walk away, watching my masterpiece crumble. But it's okay! I tell myself, I can do this! I will save this other building! It will be worth it. So I start to work, and eventually it has life again. It has hope and it is full. Then I turn around and see the rest of the buildings that need my embrace. I pick the most hopeless one and pour my heart out, sharing my life in hopes that it will come back to life. As I move from building to building, I watch my previous masterpieces crumble little by little. They are all falling. So I start running. I run from building to building, barely stopping to pour out what little I have to offer. Eventually this too becomes exhausting and not enough. So I stand in the middle, out of breath and out of love, surrounded by these buildings I love so much, watching them collapse, crushing my dreams of a shiny, perfect, admirable, upstanding, beautiful town. I failed. But, I worked so hard. I have done everything I can do. How can anyone possibly maintain such a town? I look up to the sky and reject all blame. This is your fault, I shout. How do you expect me to do all of this? It is impossible.
My child, I hear a soft response in the deepest part of my soul. I want to resist, basking in my wrongness, knowing that my heart is hard. My daughter, I hear. My beloved. With each beckon my walls come down. My sweet bride, I never wanted any of this from you. Don't you see? I knew you couldn't do it on your own. I knew that you would fail. I knew that you would betray me, put things before me, love others more than me. I created you. I knew you before you were in your mother's womb. I do not want your buildings or your works. Can't you see? I have already done all of the work. I sent my Son for you. You don't need to work. Your heart is my desire. I want you to love me more than you love your most beautiful building. I want you to pour your heart, your love, attention, time, and soul into me. But what about my buildings? I ask. I have to do this, I have to take care of them. Those are not your buildings, my child. Those buildings belong to me. They are my responsibility. Suddenly, I can breath again. I break down, crying in relief. They are not mine, I think. They are not mine. So, they're Yours? I naively question my Creator. Of course they are mine, I let you borrow them as a gift, not a burden. Can't you see? They are brilliant gifts of my mercy and grace. They were never meant to bring you down. Give them back to me, you will see. Give them back? Give them back. But what are you going to do with them? My buildings are precious treasures to me. I cannot give them back so easily. I have spent my time and love pouring into them, I cannot just let go. Trust me, beloved. But what are you going to do with them? Will I get them back? Trust me, my child. But... I love them. Love me, daughter. What will I do if I don't have any buildings to love? How will I spend my time? Delight in me, my bride. What does that mean? How do I do that? Taste and see that I am good.
So, reluctantly, I let go. Not my will, but Yours be done.
What seems like a worthy and mighty gesture on our part turns into a burdensome, obedient act. What God intended to be a gift of grace a mercy becomes a weight that pulls us further away from our Creator. He never asks for anything but our love. Not only is He asking, but He is commanding. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength. How do I do that? Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. I have found myself asking, what does that even mean? Honestly. It sounds great and perfect, but how do I apply that to my life? Taste and see that the I am is good. The Lord has been prompting me of this lately. Test me, is what He is saying. Ask, and it will be given. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and it will be opened. Taste, and see.
Deuteronomy 6:5
You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your mind and with all your soul.
Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Matthew 7:7-8
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks received, and the one who seeks finds, and the one who seeks finds, and the one who knocks it will be opened.
Psalm 34:8
Taste and see the the LORD is good.
And there here I am. Alone, deserted in an empty town with all of this work ahead of me. So I start plugging away, building up a relationship here and doing homework over there and going to club right there and figuring out a job somewhere in there. Slowly but surely, things seem to come together. But all of a sudden I realize that this is not enough. I look at a neighboring town and see buildings reaching to the sky. Their town is polished and clean and organized. I look at mine and I see a few small buildings- buildings with incredible promise, but in need of more attention. I can do this, I think. I have everything under control. I will just work a little harder. So I start to work. I start building up one building into a beautiful masterpiece. I pour my heart and soul into this building. I spend all of my time with it, caring for it, talking to it, loving it with all I have. I step back and look at what I have done. As I step back I realize that I have spent all my time on this one building and the rest of them have started to crumble, almost nonexistent. That's okay, I think. I can do this. So I move to another building. But as soon as I take my eyes off of my masterpiece it starts to deteriorate. That's okay, I think. I can do this. So I reach out my hand and place it on the building. It comes back to life a little more. Good. Now I only have this other hand to work with, what should I do? I look around and see that way over there, there is a building empty, shallow, crying out for love and attention. I have no choice but to leave. So I walk away, watching my masterpiece crumble. But it's okay! I tell myself, I can do this! I will save this other building! It will be worth it. So I start to work, and eventually it has life again. It has hope and it is full. Then I turn around and see the rest of the buildings that need my embrace. I pick the most hopeless one and pour my heart out, sharing my life in hopes that it will come back to life. As I move from building to building, I watch my previous masterpieces crumble little by little. They are all falling. So I start running. I run from building to building, barely stopping to pour out what little I have to offer. Eventually this too becomes exhausting and not enough. So I stand in the middle, out of breath and out of love, surrounded by these buildings I love so much, watching them collapse, crushing my dreams of a shiny, perfect, admirable, upstanding, beautiful town. I failed. But, I worked so hard. I have done everything I can do. How can anyone possibly maintain such a town? I look up to the sky and reject all blame. This is your fault, I shout. How do you expect me to do all of this? It is impossible.
My child, I hear a soft response in the deepest part of my soul. I want to resist, basking in my wrongness, knowing that my heart is hard. My daughter, I hear. My beloved. With each beckon my walls come down. My sweet bride, I never wanted any of this from you. Don't you see? I knew you couldn't do it on your own. I knew that you would fail. I knew that you would betray me, put things before me, love others more than me. I created you. I knew you before you were in your mother's womb. I do not want your buildings or your works. Can't you see? I have already done all of the work. I sent my Son for you. You don't need to work. Your heart is my desire. I want you to love me more than you love your most beautiful building. I want you to pour your heart, your love, attention, time, and soul into me. But what about my buildings? I ask. I have to do this, I have to take care of them. Those are not your buildings, my child. Those buildings belong to me. They are my responsibility. Suddenly, I can breath again. I break down, crying in relief. They are not mine, I think. They are not mine. So, they're Yours? I naively question my Creator. Of course they are mine, I let you borrow them as a gift, not a burden. Can't you see? They are brilliant gifts of my mercy and grace. They were never meant to bring you down. Give them back to me, you will see. Give them back? Give them back. But what are you going to do with them? My buildings are precious treasures to me. I cannot give them back so easily. I have spent my time and love pouring into them, I cannot just let go. Trust me, beloved. But what are you going to do with them? Will I get them back? Trust me, my child. But... I love them. Love me, daughter. What will I do if I don't have any buildings to love? How will I spend my time? Delight in me, my bride. What does that mean? How do I do that? Taste and see that I am good.
So, reluctantly, I let go. Not my will, but Yours be done.
What seems like a worthy and mighty gesture on our part turns into a burdensome, obedient act. What God intended to be a gift of grace a mercy becomes a weight that pulls us further away from our Creator. He never asks for anything but our love. Not only is He asking, but He is commanding. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength. How do I do that? Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. I have found myself asking, what does that even mean? Honestly. It sounds great and perfect, but how do I apply that to my life? Taste and see that the I am is good. The Lord has been prompting me of this lately. Test me, is what He is saying. Ask, and it will be given. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and it will be opened. Taste, and see.
Deuteronomy 6:5
You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your mind and with all your soul.
Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Matthew 7:7-8
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks received, and the one who seeks finds, and the one who seeks finds, and the one who knocks it will be opened.
Psalm 34:8
Taste and see the the LORD is good.
Monday, December 23, 2013
This Year's Grace
So as 2013 comes to a close, I can't help but to reflect on the year and what God has taught me- as cheesy as that may be.
God started my year by taking me to Passion. What a sweet experience worshiping with 60,000 brothers and sisters was. I think that was when He ravished my heart for good. That was when I felt Him more than ever. Those four days He healed my heart and told me He wouldn't let go- no matter how faithless I am. I remember Francis Chan standing on the stage and reading this promise from 2 Timothy. And it has been one the verses that God has constantly brought me back to this year.
As I look back at 2013, I see all of the times I turned my back on God. Both in big ways and in little ones that I didn't even realize at the time. This promise of His faithfulness has been most evident in what He has taught me about grace. If He has taught me about anything, He has taught me about grace. There's a lyric from one of my favorite songs that says, "I am overwhelmed that I keep finding open arms". I don't think I could explain my feelings on grace better than that. His grace has wooed my mind, heart, and soul forever. He has changed my heart from thinking that I was a decently good person to seeing my self as sinful, fallen, dirty, broken, and needy to knowing that I am new, holy, justified, and glorified. His grace is like a new, shiny gift glimmering under the Christmas tree that I get to open over and over again every morning, just to find new life, love that endures, and a God that knows me every time. I will never get tired of opening that gift.
This past year has also been a year of firsts. From my first semester of leading Young Life, to my first attempt at a godly relationship. He took me to Colorado and taught me more than I thought was possible to learn in a month. He has given me an amazing house to live in with amazing roommates. And He has changed my heart from one that is defensive and accusing to one that is patient and full of mercy because of them. He has showed me more of what excites my heart and what He has written in it. He has taught me a million little things and one great thing- that no matter what I do, He will love me. And He will pursue me relentlessly until the end of time.
I am constantly astounded at the life I have. And even more astounded at the ways He has changed me and is still changing me. I was just telling one of my friends the other day that I was feeling almost defeated about what the Lord has been convicting me of lately and my feeling of inadequateness. That's when I felt Him speaking to my heart as He always does, saying, "Don't rush, don't worry, my child, my grace is enough". Wow. Grace has taught me that I am not perfect and I don't have to be perfect.
The other night one of my friends asked me about my tattoo on my wrist and says "grace". I laughed as I thought about the irony it now holds. I told him that it's funny because when I got the tattoo, the summer after my senior year, I had no idea what grace was- not like I do now, at least. I wasn't even really walking with the Lord. I remember wanting it to be a reminder that I wasn't perfect and that I needed to be saved. A year and a half later, it couldn't be more opposite. Now it represents a beautiful story of redemption, hope, and new life. Well, about a month ago I got the chance to take my high school friends to Young Life Fall Camp for a weekend. My favorite part of the weekend was in one of the cabin times they asked me about this tattoo on my wrist. I got to tell them the differences between forgiveness, mercy, and grace. I got to share with them about the new life that we are offered so freely and how stunning it is. It was the absolute sweetest moment. And I am so thankful that God so graciously gave me the chance to share that with His daughters.
This year was full of moments like this one- ones where I would look back at God and see that His grace that is outshining everything else around me. "...but where sin abounded, grace abounded much more," Romans 5:20.
2 Timothy 2:13
"If we are faithless, He remains faithful-
For He cannon deny Himself."
Romans 8:30
"And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified."
Colossians 1:22
"he has now reconciled in his cody of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him."
1 Peter 1:3-4
"According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading..."
Romans 8:38-39
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, now powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
2 Corinthians 12:9
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)